Can I offer you an egg substitute in these trying times?
Posted on Feb 7, 2023
As you surely may have heard, a dozen eggs is currently worth $5 (five big ones) in many places in America. This may be the very thing tearing the fabric of our nation apart, as eggs form the basis of most breakfast foods, the most important meal of the day. It’s also testing our patience, since we have Egg in our goddamn name, for God’s sake.
But, since we have Egg in our goddamn name, you can trust us when we say that we’re Egg experts (eggsperts? huh that’s unfortunate – ed). We’ve assembled a top five list of quick, easy and fun substitutes for eggs in your day-to-day cooking, whether you’re baking, frying, or eating five dozen of them raw.
1. Eggs from Aldi
Can’t afford eggs, but you absolutely must have them? Why not try Aldi?
I’ve heard eggs are cheaper at Aldi. Hey, have you looked at Aldi’s eggs? Pretty cheap, right? Yes. The eggs are cheaper at Aldi, for sure.
Cheap eggs. Aldi.
2. Different bird's egg
Can’t afford eggs, but you absolutely must have eggs, but you don’t have Aldi, where they are definitely cheaper? Well, why not try another bird’s egg?
It may sound crazy, but most bird eggs are basically the same. All it takes is a little math. A quail egg is like, five chicken eggs. And oh boy, an ostrich egg is… wait, hold on, I think I got this wrong.
3. Banana
Can’t afford eggs, don’t have Aldi, and can’t do math? Why not try bananas?
Half a mashed banana is one egg. So you can make a batch of pancakes with just half a banana. Or you can scramble them, call that scrambled bananas. Fry them for sunny side up bananas. Cook ‘em in tomato sauce, that’s bananas in purgatory.
4. Eggs+
Can’t afford eggs, don’t have Aldi, can’t do math, don’t like bananas? Why not try stretching your eggs?
No, not with milk. Who the hell can afford milk? No, I mean with the eggs themselves. Don’t just throw those valuable egg shells away! Grind them in your coffee grinder (or with a hand whisk) and get some more life out of your eggs while you still have them.
Mmm, crunchy! I just love the way it adds texture to my homemade pudding!
5. Cadbury eggs
Can’t afford eggs, don’t have Aldi, can’t do math, don’t like bananas, want something softer? Why not try a fictional egg?
Like I said, most bird eggs are basically the same. And it so turns out that one Cadbury crème egg is functionally indistinguishable from a chicken egg. It’s got a shell, it’s got white, it’s got yellow. Just slip this bad boy into your leftover spaghetti frittata and the crowd WILL go wild.
6. $5 USD
Is none of this working for you? Why not try $5 USD?
As you would have it, 5 United States dollars is the perfect substitute for eggs. This may sound like the hardest substitute of them all, but it’s really quite simple. All you have to do is go to the grocery store, give the cashier 5 dollars, and you will have a dozen eggs.
This one is so simple. So so simple. Why not try it?
Why not?
Why can’t you?
If you give us $5 a month on Patreon, that means we get, what, half an egg a day? Awesome!