GarfieldEATS

Posted by brilokuloj on Feb 1, 2026

The year was 2018. Ghost kitchens were a burgeoning business, and their success had recently picked up in the era of apps like DoorDash. Our star Nathen Mazri did not invent the ghost kitchen, though he will occasionally claim to have done so. Mazri is an aspiring entrepreneur from Quebec with high hopes and a beautiful dream.

GarfieldEATS Dubai

On May 12, 2018, the first Garfield-themed ghost kitchen location would open. GarfieldEATS was born in Dubai.

The menu was remarkably tasteful, with offerings such as “Shishchicken” and “Big Epinardo” lasagna. There was a dedicated section for manakeesh, a Lebanese cheesy flatbread. As well, they had a line of “Garficcinos”, presumably named to avoid a Garfuccino disaster. The beef in the lasagna was advertised as “cowboy cut” and I still haven’t figured out what the hell that means.

But that’s enough of that. The real star of the show was Garfield’s favorite food…

That’s right! Pizza shaped like his face.

This was a delivery-only location. Allegedly, the delivery driver would show up on a Garfield-themed electric scooter in a Garfield-themed jumpsuit. There are no existing photos of this, so I don’t know how far the theming goes.

The website for GarfieldEATS was something special. It advertised itself as not just a restaurant, but an all-in-one “entergaging” app. This is Mazri’s charming combination of entertaining and engaging, and you will be hearing it a lot.

The app would allow you to:

The “game”, by the way, was a Garfield-themed reskin of Fruit Ninja with an AR background.

GarfieldEATS even came with its own catchphrase and theme song: “Love Me, Feed Me, Don’t Leave Me.” This was based on a quote from the 2004 Garfield movie, where the last line was “never leave me” instead. I enjoy that they couldn’t even hold down one of Garfield’s actual catchphrases, like “I hate mondays” or “[X] should be drug out in the street and shot.”

Even as someone who knows what’s coming, I still do find the website pleasantly quaint. Perhaps it’s a testament to what can be accomplished by hiring multiple competent people to work on your weird idea. As Mazri sinks deeper into isolation, his projects become more disjointed.

There’s a whole section talking about GarfieldEATS’ mission to make recycleable packaging. This is where it starts to go off the rails. There’s an included instructional PDF that shows you how to do things such as:

The tissue box is the one that really gets me. It shows a big idea with a complete lack of quality testing. If you’re able to accept a Garfield pizza restaurant, I would argue this is the moment where Mazri’s disconnect from reality first becomes truly apparent. First of all, the lasagna box is going to be saturated with grease. Second, tissues already come in their own box. What is going on here?

Who is this Nathen Mazri guy anyway?

Listen, this isn’t a “lolcow” article. I’m not here to watch someone with debilitating mental illness through their house window with my binoculars. I believe in the right to privacy, even at a point in our time where it feels more irrelevant than ever.

With that said, Nathen Mazri is desperate for attention, and as I’ll cover later, he’s willing to do some vile things in order to get it. But a lot of this is just building up the backstory to get there. If this was your ordinary Garfield superfan, this wouldn’t be an article.

This is no ordinary Garfield superfan. This is Nathen Mazri, a wonderful, morally abhorrent enigma of a human man.

Mazri claims to be proficient in four or five languages. He has been Knighted by Stefano Černetić, a scam artist so prolific he has his own Wikipedia page. In 2016, he published a self-help memoir with the memorable title Arabiolosis: The WORST 12 years of hardships has brought the BEST of me in the Kingdom.

It can be deduced that Mazri is in a quantum superposition.

And I do not say this lightly: Nathan Mazri can speak with God.

GarfieldEATS Toronto (2019)

On March 15, 2019, the Canadian anarchist YouTuber Thought Slime made a video covering the absurd premise of GarfieldEATS. It’s a decent video that goes into detail about the now-defunct website and app. This was the first moment that GarfieldEATS really entered the online consciousness; a thread on Something Awful would follow on the same day, made in reaction to the video. The podcast My Brother, My Brother And Me would do their own segment in June, which they mostly spent gawking at the mere concept.

GarfieldEATS opened its second location in Toronto on June 21, 2019. This was a restaurant you could actually visit, although it still only served take-out. The menu had done away with all of the unique regional offerings; it now focused primarily on Garfield’s favorite food, pizza shaped like his face. I think that’s a bummer, but it’s probably for the best, as most people remember GarfieldEATS for its pizza and not its manakeesh.

Boy, this was an exciting time for the franchise! But perhaps all of this attention from the YouTube meme crowd was a bit much for Mazri, because he soon began fixating on any negative reviews he received. Eventually he would write a Medium article talking about the stress that his Google reviews had put him through. Over time, he would also build up a story that he had received death threats from someone for not making a Bugs Bunny-themed restaurant. I severely doubt this, but Google reviews aren’t archived, so I suppose I’ll never know.

Viacom would purchase the Garfield IP rights on August 6, 2019. At the time, this passed by as a mere blip on the radar. If only they had known! Consider this the first domino on the path to the giant domino of “Garfield says the N word”.

In September, GarfieldEATS would release “Jon Arbuckle Marinara” as an alternative to their orange pizza sauce. It was… marinara sauce. By December, they would add another new innovation to their menu of the Garfield Potato Tail. It was just a tornado potato that came covered in a mysterious “GarfieldEATS Seasoning”. I don’t know about you, but I’m missing the Garfield-themed innovation here!

The restaurant itself seemed fine. There were a few meme-y reviews talking about how awful the food was, but most of the people who weren’t in it for the bit just talked about it being mediocre. Photos of the store itself looked a bit bootleg, but still cute. I could see myself going here.

Covid (2020)

The start of 2020 was uneventful. A third GarfieldEATS location opened in London, Ontario to little fanfare.

Like just about everyone, Nathen Mazri went insane during quarantine. Unfortunately, this was not your run-of-the-mill breadmaking insanity, nor was it like when I had a panic attack in the bathroom from listening to Mouth Dreams. No, this was QAnon insanity.

Mazri made an exciting splash on March 16th by debuting a glimpse into his beliefs on the GarfieldEATS brand account. He had posted a picture of Garfield with a thought bubble saying “Everyone wants to be me.” Above Garfield was a caption saying “Cartoons are always immune.”

So that’s like, shockingly insensitive, but it’s arguably benign, right? Well, he then took to his personal Instagram to post his theories about how COVID-19 was manmade sarin gas. (For reference, sarin is a nerve gas that can induce comas and permanent neurological damage, even in non-lethal doses.)

In late May, Mazri would claim that GarfieldEATS was coming to an end – not because of the pandemic, but because of the landlord locking him out of his store. The next day, the store would continue business as usual, and this threat would be forgotten.

In June, the GarfieldEATS Instagram account would post a black square captioned #BlackLivesMatter, and then would immediately delete it. What is your truth, Garf?

Later in the month, the Twitter account advertised a merch sale, including some “blue rays” but most importantly a limited quantity of 135cm (4’4") Garfield plushies. Garfield superfan Quinton Reviews attempted to purchase one and was mailed a bag of sand.

In August, Mazri would make an exciting announcement: he was branching out with a new project – ScoobyEATS. This would be a smaller venture than Garfield’s, starting out as prepackaged burgers and hotdogs.

A few weeks later, GarfieldEATS promoted a meet-and-greet with a Garfield mascot. The costumed actor has not been identified. What I’m most fascinated by is the choice to host a meet-and-greet in August 2020, inside this guy’s minuscule pizza restaurant. If that wasn’t bad enough, in September they would renovate their store to contain a private Garfield-themed birthday party space.

Over the course of October, the Twitter would begin a worrisome pivot into aggressively marketing their merchandise and auctioning off the rest of their 4-foot Garfield plushie collection. The inevitable would come on November 12, when Mazri announced that the restaurant had finally closed.

But GarfieldEATS was not over just yet. Mazri’s newest idea was a line of online-order frozen lasagnas. One person on the Something Awful forums attempted to order one of these and was immediately refunded by the company’s “Happiness Manager” because they didn’t ship outside of Canada.

In December, another customer would place a prank order for 30,000 lasagnas. This order did not go through either, but it brought attention back onto the franchise regardless. Perhaps Garfield-shaped pizza still had a chance at being relevant?

Scooby-Doo EATS

Nathen Mazri opened 2021 by moving forward on Scooby-Doo EATS. He had a goal to feed his “Farm 2 Plate” Scooby-Doo branded food to every human; to get there, he wanted his product to be available in “every mysteriious [sic] grocery store”.

I’m sorry. What is a mysterious grocery store?

February was a busy month for the franchise. The Scooby-Doo EATS product line was announced: burgers… hot dogs… and you guessed it, the food you associate the most with Scooby Doo: frozen lasagna. With this announcement came a piece of advertising fluff containing the reassurance “Meat never dies; Afterall, it is Scooby-Doo’s favorite.”

Nathen Mazri was interviewed by Cancel Culture Videos, a short-lived cringe comedy channel. I don’t have much to say about this interview because I couldn’t watch it on account of it making my skin crawl, but at one point someone asks him if he knows what vore is.

Mazri would then post a ScoobyEATS promotional image to his Instagram account labeled “Too many friends can be a headache.” On the right, all the Scooby-Doo characters were featured, except for a conspicuous gap where Velma would be. This was evidently a jab at the upcoming Velma cartoon.

In an interview with Exclaim!, Mazri addressed concerns that he had abandoned the Garfield brand. He started by reassuring fans that he was still loyal to the Garf, but this quickly derailed into him talking about how Warner Brothers were watching him on social media through a tracking app named Radius. Whuh?

In March, Mazri published a half-hour-long promotional video titled The Official Scooby-Doo Eats Launch. It is half an hour long. It is half an hour long.

In April, Mazri complained about the value of his condo dropping due to crime in the neighborhood. He singled out the newly-opened “meddling homeless shelter” causing “mystery murders”. Help me.

He then moved on to post this legendary image:

More details about Scooby-Doo EATS followed. Mazri hunted down a single instance when an orange sauce had featured in the Scooby-Doo universe: a hot sauce labeled “Flame n’ Fortune”, from the Be Cool, Scooby-Doo! cartoon. This would be the justification for the Scooby-Doo lasagnas having Garfield orange sauce. But it wasn’t hot sauce! He made sure to specify “(not hot)” in every post about it.

Mazri then announced in May that he would be executive producer of a Garfield film alongside director Ewan Gotfryd, who is credited on Letterboxd for a single Sesame Street episode. The next month, our brave entrepreneur would claim he was working on “Nathen Mazri’s World Musical”, coming straight to Broadway in 2022.

Things would fall quiet for a while until September, when ScoobyEATS unrolled a plant-based pepperoni option. What happened to “meat never dies”?

October 7 marked the release of The Disaster of GarfieldEATS, a video by YouTuber Izzzyzzz. I haven’t watched this video.

In November, Mazri took a sudden swing at the Big Bird Twitter account, which had made a post about Big Bird getting a COVID-19 booster. Mazri said this was “bullshit”, as cartoons don’t need vaccines.

In the same month, he would then start posting about natural body care products, including a brand of deodorant that he described as… “World’s only armpit food”. With a photo of him biting the packaging. Great.

Mazri would cap the year off by announcing his upcoming Egeez app. More on that later. I have to talk about the celibacy arc.

Celibacy

Not long after Pride Month 2021 (we’re rewinding a bit here), Mazri would make a post on Instagram imploring people to date cartoons instead of humans. This began one of the strangest arcs in the EATS saga.

When he received the predictable pushback for doing something edgy, he doubled down in a now infamous incident where he posted a clip of himself kissing his 4’4" Garfield plushie. This was in reference to the new Superman gay kiss, I guess. People got pretty mad and I don’t blame them.

Mazri went dormant for a moment in the heat of all of this, saying that he had an announcement to make soon. Whether he knew it or not, this announcement would change the fate of GarfieldEATS forever.

In October, Mazri came out as… celibate.

At least one person might have asked him if he meant asexual, which he would respond saying that he was not asexual, he was celibate. It was a choice he made, and he was understanding enough to acknowledge that sexual orientation is not a choice, but he still felt as if his choice to be celibate was on par with a sexual identity. He then focused on saying that they should add a “C” to LGBTQ, which succeeded in making his already-meager Garfield-based fanbase angrier with him.

He also used this as an opportunity to post cropped Garfield shock pornography. OK.

The situation is, aptly, cartoonish. Nathen Mazri is gay – he’s written about it in his memoir, Arabiolosis. What motivates his homophobia? Well, the leading theory online is that it has to do with his connection to his father in Saudi Arabia, a country where homosexuality is punishable by death. I hate to publish conjecture about a real person, but this one seems pretty cut-and-dry. He’s gay, but he doesn’t want to be like North American gays. It’s hard to not feel bad for him, until you remember that he’s rich enough to make restaurants for cartoons that he likes.

Anyway, immediately after this announcement he went back to posting thirst traps on Instagram.

Enough of that for now. Onto Egeez.

Oh Geez

What the hell is Egeez?

Fabulous. Mazri is an artist in the field of saying nothing at all in as many words as possible.

The website would later update attempting to articulate it a little better, so I’ll cover that as well:

Egeez, the world’s official licensing marketplace dedicated to curating and selling licensed merchandise and food globally.

It’s a marketplace for officially licensed products.

A tech-driven, entergaging marketplace for licensed products

It’s Amazon, but for licensed products only.

intelligently geo-located according to their licensed territory rights

You can filter search results by country.

by top Hollywood studios

No idea. Presumably not Viacom or Warner Bros.

to help boost merch visibility worldwide.

It’s Amazon for licensed products.

Here’s how I understand it: Egeez is an app where merchandise creators (such as someone looking to created a themed restaurant) can connect with licensed brands (such as Garfield). The hope appears to be to compete against bootleg merchandise, by certifying that the product is authentic and authorized.

The problem, of course, is that this solves a nonexistent problem. If you’re a large franchise, you can afford to have your own store, like Disney and Pokemon. If you’re a smaller one, then people are most likely buying their products directly from you. The only real use case this seems to have is for medium-sized brands to find out which licensed characters are trending right now, which is something you can also do by going on Pinterest for 5 seconds.

At risk of being dunked on, I am ready to acknowledge that I personally can see the potential value of this. Amazon has an established problem of allowing counterfeit sales through official product pages. Etsy is a notorious platform for bootleg merchandise. I actively detest copyright law, but when it comes to more sensitive things like computer hardware, it does become a real problem. If I need to know something is going to be the real deal, I just do not buy it online if I can help it.

Egeez does not seem to address any of these issues. There is no transparency on how any verification will be handled, from manufacturing to packaging. The demo products listed for sale on their promotional site include things that can’t be verified, like T-shirts and stickers.

An Egeez advertisement states: “Close your eyes. Imagine having delicious Mickey Mouse waffles for breakfast. Open your eyes.” Underneath this text is a silhouette of Winnie the Pooh.

It’s easy to see that Mazri has a tumultuous relationship with the concept of copyright. He loves the idea of control over a license as a permission slip he’s been granted by the owner, as all of his behaviors point towards a desire to be second-in-command; at the same time, he openly disdains copyright when it stands in the way between him and something that he wants to do. All of his logic is circular and self-serving.

A good example of this is that within the very same chapter of his life that he was beginning his Egeez project, he also started running a line of Garfield-themed NFTs. This was at the end of 2021, right before the bubble burst and at the point where it had been long since established that NFTs were a grift.

Like any good tragic main character, it was greed that did Mazri in. Viacom emailed him in December informing him that they were pulling his license to the Garfield property, on account of him trying to sell digital images of his Garfield merchandise.

Egeez is pronounced Iggies, by the way.

Nathfield

One week after losing everything, Mazri made a post on his personal Twitter that would change this timeline forever:

If you’d combine Nathen + #Garfield together, what new name can you come up with ?

At the start of 2022, Mazri would make the first official Nathen Mazri Discord server, where he would announce his new character: when the fictionalized Nathen Mazri wore his orange GarfieldEATS suit, he transformed into Nathfield, an anthropomorphic cat with superpowers. Hold on, I need to get his name into this paragraph some more. Nathen Mazri. Nathen Mazri. Nathfield.

The Discord server was a disaster. Mazri would become uncomfortably familiar with the public at this point onward. I do mean uncomfortable, because this was the point where he started revealing personal details about himself. There was a channel named “#daddy-issues”. Apparently the server also pretty much instantly became doused in pornography, with volunteer moderators refusing to take it down until they… got Mazri’s permission to do so? Eek.

Mazri also announced the closure of Scooby-Doo EATS, saying he was “done with the dog”. He then posted an image saying “Dogs Drool, Cats Rule”, with him, uh, licking tomato sauce off his thumb? He was now pursuing the creation of a “documentary” about GarfieldEATS, with goals to publish on Netflix, Amazon Prime, and Hulu. Don’t worry, this went nowhere.

In March, Mazri started seeking animators for his Nathfield project. He specified that he was looking for “Disney quality in 2D then rendered in 3D but 2 version and formats required”. I’ve had FurAffinity commissioners who talk exactly like this.

Just a few weeks later, he caught COVID-19 and spent a day making increasingly deranged posts on Instagram. He claimed to be in the hospital, though the photo he provided was easily found through reverse Google Image Search, and he also left a lengthy message from “Michelle. The nurse.” imploring people to keep wearing their masks.

Despite actually contracting the disease and suffering the effects, Mazri would continue to espouse his beliefs that COVID-19 was a nerve gas.

While Mazri was in recovery, Mel Magazine published an interview they had done with him. This might be his favorite interview he’s participated in, and it’s mine too, though for wildly different reasons. This is his favorite line that he likes to quote from it:

He’s eccentric, but certainly no more so than any other mega-capitalist. He doesn’t have a hint of Mark Zuckerberg’s oblivious arrogance or Jeff Bezos’ cool, flippant villainy.

And here’s the rest of that paragraph:

Instead, Mazri has the air of a preoccupied person hiding their anxiety behind a pearly white smile. He’s wound tight, every inch of him pulled taut as he tries to hide the fact that he cares very deeply about what you think. His is a personality that attracts rabid fans and vitriolic trolls all at once. More than anything, Mazri represents the perils of merging capitalism and identity in the social media age.

Flattering, huh? The rest of the article is like this. Not much else that I haven’t already covered here, but he does reveal that his connection to Garfield is because his mother gave him Garfield comics as a kid as a reward for good grades.

The debut of Nathfield came with a big question:

Who wants #Nathfield to cleanse this #bitch of an Earth, the baby boomers caused? If so, from what?

Yes indeed. Mazri’s new plot arc was committing a genocide of the elderly.

Nathfield possess orangy Kinetic power🔋energy with superpower ability to manipulate of everything that stems from his mind for the GOOD. 😇 If he dreams it, he manifests it with the help of his sole god 🙏 called “MAALIK-UL-MULK” on the throne of Ul-Mulk Universe.

It is worth saying, for some much-needed context, that Maalik Ul-Mulk is not a work of fiction; it’s one of Allah’s real names, “مالك الملك” (Owner of Supreme Authority). I’m going to keep my commentary on this to a minimum because I don’t know what I’m talking about here, but the idea of a Garfield man on a first-name basis with God is pretty entertaining.

Nathfield’s suit bestows upon him the powers of hydrokinesis, telekinesis, pyrokinesis, geokinesis, and “extreme telepathy”. What is the difference between telekinesis and geokinesis? What makes his telepathy so extreme? We will not receive answers to these questions.

This announcement was the first to be met with genuine skepticism. Most people in the Something Awful thread agreed unanimously that this must have been a troll impersonating him, or some unsolicited “fanart” by one of his Discord “fans”. Nathen would clear the air by announcing on his main account that this was, in fact, him.

The new goal was to make a cartoon that would air on Adult Swim. Mazri had already found a concept artist through his Discord server, and now he was seeking animators and voice actors. He had also come up with two new characters for his setting, initially named Angel Wizzdom and Piggy Troll.

Around the same time, Mazri posted about taking a visit back to Saudi Arabia. One could extrapolate that perhaps all of this was an attempt on his part to get back in touch with his faith, or to get in good graces with his father.

Mazri would flesh his new side characters out into Gabby the angel and Bill Cramer the “lazy, ugly” internet troll. Gabby is an adaptation of the archangel Gabriel; they use they/them pronouns, which is possibly one of the most interesting things Mazri has ever done, and it reflects how Gabriel has been historically depicted as both genders. I once received a gift from my mother of a statue of Archangel Gabriel, because she claimed that he was a popular figure in the transgender community. It was the first time I had ever heard about it, but I kept the statue for a while because it was kinda neat.

Oh yeah, and Bill Cramer is just a caricature of YouTuber darksydephil. I don’t know anything about this guy and I don’t really care, but I guess he’s another “lolcow”. Someone in the Something Awful thread claims that Mazri’s concept artist is trolling him.

The power of Nathfield had gone straight to Mazri’s head, as he started making rapidfire tweets about political news, including a legendarily insensitive tweet in which he claimed credit for the 2022 New Mexico wildfires. He also made a post about the Depp v. Heard trial. May was just a bad month for him all around.

In June, he started making nostalgic posts about the good ol’ days of GarfieldEATS, when he had electric scooters and… drones? So this is how I find out that GarfieldEATS had drones? He also posted photos where he was claiming he was going to change his middle name to Garfield, though I sincerely doubt that he went through with this as it never came up again.

He took this trip down memory lane into July and started posting random trivia as behind-the-scenes “confessions”. His first “confession” was that one of the line cooks smoked weed and Mazri fired him. He would not give a second confession and he would then get distracted by announcing his new catchphrase, “I tend to forgive fuckers.”

All of this would be once again forgotten by the end of July in favor of Mazri’s newest greatest project.

Marry Nathen Mazri, Finally

Forget everything else. Forget about the Garfield. Forget it. It’s time for Nathen Mazri to get married.

What about his celibacy? Nathen Mazri is still celibate. He is getting married on September 1st, 2022. He has 31 days.

The first of September was also the date he listed for applying to his speed-dating event. With an alleged over 100 applicants, we can only assume the plan was to go on dozens of dates and then get married, all in one day.

On September 2, the Marry Nathen Mazri, Finally show would be postponed due to “shortage of crew”. He would then attempt to distract us a week later by posting about how he found a staple (or in his words, “stapler pin”) in his A&W burger and he believed an attempt had been made on his life. He would later go on to post his belief that God had a plan for four people to fix the world: Mark Cuban (rapist), Elon Musk (rapist), Kanye West (rapist), and Andrew Tate (rapist).

In November, Mazri was caught posting some sort of transphobic rant on his TikTok account, and his ironic fanbase decided that was enough and trashed his server.

The Nathfield Podcast

The Nathfield project was still going. Nathen Mazri was determined to make a cartoon, but not determined enough to actually pay animators. His newest announcement was that he had brought two voice actors onto the team: Angela Clark would voice the Archangel Gabriel, and Ricky dB would voice the “pig troll” Bill Cramer. Both of these actors are available for hire on Fiverr.

As I write this, I am almost done with this article. I have been writing this more or less in chronological order. I only have the comparatively uneventful next 3 years to get through, and then it will be over.

All I have to do is get through talking about this podcast.

The first episode of this podcast opens with a guy loudly eating chips.

I cannot listen to this podcast.

There are no transcripts available. I tried running it through a Spotify downloader, but since it’s not on YouTube it doesn’t work. I found a podcast mirror website (Podchaser) where I had to download the files by going into Inspect Element and then manually scrubbing them until they downloaded. I then took all 4 episodes, opened them into Kdenlive, and ran Automatic Subtitling on them. This allowed me to hone in and listen to segments where there was actual talking and not the worst sound effects imaginable.

Episode 1

We open with the sound of loud crunching noises. This is Bill Cramer, an anthropomorphic pig whose hobbies are gaming and trolling. After a torturous four seconds of what I like to call “Badsmr”, he launches into a monologue about his nihilistic views on the world.

Cramer believes that everybody wants something. He also believes that God likes to watch us suffer, and that we’re only here for God’s own amusement. He then coughs – for fuck’s sake, this is an audio medium – and claims that Allah tried to choke him.

This writing is very difficult. I am going to quote this part verbatim:

You know how I stayed alive this long? One. Eat KFC. All those years. But it’s fear. I scare people. I invoke fear online. I love it. Don’t you?

He details the ways that he trolls people online. He says that he would cut out the tongue of podcasters that offend him, and then he would eat the tongue, “like Asians”. I feel grimy just typing that.

Cramer then describes Nathfield. Nathfield is a God wannabe who “rises, sleeps and eats cheese all day”. Rises? What? He finishes this off by quoting the Joker monologue from The Dark Knight, except he calls himself “an agent of pandemonium”.

A magical sound happens along with a voice saying “Billy…”

Cramer says: “Step-mommy? Is that you, bitch?” I cannot believe this writing.

The Archangel Gabriel – Gabby – enters the scene… somehow. They begin lecturing him. Cramer talks more about hating Nathfield. Gabby agrees that Nathfield pisses them off, but says that he is their “sole savior”. They then call Nathfield the Prince of Nazareth.

They go back and forth a bit. Cramer goes on an uninterrupted antisemitic rant about his evil step-mother “The Jew”, which Gabby agrees with. He then admits to faking disability. Gabby tells him that if he doesn’t get his shit together, they will blow their trumpet “and Nathfield will destroy [his] brain cells and extract [his] soul down to hell”. They leave. The episode ends.

Episode 2

Alarm clock beeps. Nathfield: “What a glorious morning. Makes me hard.”

It’s a big day for Nathfield – one day closer to opening NathfieldEATS. But first, he has to do his hair. And we get a montage of him doing his hair. This is an audio medium.

Nathfield talks about how gorgeous he is. He then goes to have his, and I quote, “chisel cheesy breakfast made of cheese”. Chisel?

On the way to eat a cheesy chisel, Gabby shows up – and Gabby’s voice is completely different in this episode, by the way, more dramatic and androgynous. In the last episode it was more like a bad Kath Soucie impression.

Gabby tells Nathfield that he is the Chosen One sent to save the world from corruption. They explain to him that his suit has powers from God, and it’s his responsibility to use these powers to defeat the forces of evil.

Nathfield then goes on a two-minute nearly-uninterrupted rant:

I agree with you. The corruption of this world is vast and deeply ingrained in the fabric of society. At the heart of this corruption are the elites. Those who hold power and influence and who use it to enrich themselves at the expense of the common people. These elites are driven by greed and a lust for power. And they will stop at nothing to maintain their hold on society. They use their wealth and connections to buy politicians, to sway public opinion, and to manipulate the media in their favor. They are the ones who dictate the policies that govern our lives. And they do so not for the benefit of the people, but for their own personal gain.

The result of this corruption is a society that is deeply divided. With a small, wealthy minority living in luxury, while the rest of us struggle to get by. It is a world where the rich get richer and the poor get poorer. And where opportunity is reserved for only a select few. This is not the way it has to be. We can choose to stand up to the elites and demand a better world. One where power is not concentrated in the hands of a few, but is shared by all. We can choose to demand transparency and accountability from our leaders. And to hold them to the highest standards of integrity. And only then can we hope to build a society that is truly fair and just for all.

Somehow, we get an actual joke: when he finishes his speech, an applause track plays in the background. Nathfield asks where that came from and Gabby says that their applause is equal to the power of 100 applauses.

The next episode is laid out: Nathfield must defeat Bill Cramer. Yes, Nathfield has been chosen by God to eliminate one internet troll.

Episode 3

Nathfield explores the extent of his suit’s powers. He finds out he can summon Gabby by touching the third suit button from the bottom, but his takeaway from this is “I’ll just rub my largely endowed crotch and you’ll appear”.

Gabby asks him to stop sexually harassing them – I’m sorry, I mean to not “get all dirty with me like that new perverted Indian Velma”. They then go into excruciating detail on their opinions on the at-the-time-new Velma cartoon.

OMG. It’s like changing McDonald’s arch from yellow to green.

Everything in Mazri’s beautiful mind revolves around corporate licensing. There is no greater sin than deviating from the Brand, except for when it’s Garfield pornography.

Nathfield continues to sexually harass The Archangel Gabriel, calling them “my sweet, sweet they”. Gabby keeps trying to explain the suit’s powers to him. He gets distracted by that it has seven special magical buttons, because seven is his lucky number. Gabby explains to him that lucky numbers aren’t real, they’re “an evil deception created by the Luciferians or the Khazars”. (This is antisemitic conspiracy theory.)

Here are Nathfield’s powers, by the way:

  1. Disease curing
  2. Miracle manipulation
  3. Future sight
  4. Time travel
  5. Miracle manipulation

Yes, 2 and 5 are the same, just phrased slightly differently. And yes, that is only 5 powers to 7 buttons.

Gabby says: “You are responsible to lead the people to the cubic square system.” What?

Gabby then takes Nathfield… somewhere. The GarfieldEATS theme plays. The episode ends.

Episode 4

We have a theme song now.

I’m a cat in catastrophe, fighting trolls, saving sanity. In the chaos I find my way, bringing light to the darkest day. Oh, I’m Nathfield, don’t mess with me. I’ll take down corruption, just wait and see.

Alarm sounds again. What happened to the hook from the last episode? Nathfield is voiced by Nathen now. “World, meet Nathfield. A fluffy divine feline with surprisingly tight skins.” Skins?

There’s the sound of an old TV turning on and a guy starts talking. “Alert. Suspected dangerous troll.” I guess this is the news? “The Toronto Police Association wrote on X saying, Canadian citizens, please turn off your phones as Pig Bill is a dangerous cybernetic troll and a hack pick.” What’s a hack pick? Is it like a stapler pin?

The alert continues, explaining that “Pig Bill” is using his “Nano Blaster 5G” to shoot “toxic radiation waves” to overheat your phones. He also plans to start “a massive grease storm”.

We cut to “Pig Bill” doing his thing. Laser sounds. He’s talking about turning Canada into America’s 51st state. Random jab at Greta Thunberg.

Nathfield shows up and lectures him. Nathfield says “hashtag deport”. Some sort of battle happens. It is long and so, so boring. That is the end. There is no more Nathfield.

Chris Fart

On January 30th, 2023, at the wee hours of 3 AM, Mazri could not sleep. He soon began making rapidfire tweets about the upcoming apocalypse.

Nothing matters anymore! Holidays, work, love, dreams, groceries, vacations…Nothing matters. 2023 will be a deep soul awakening or just transforming to Zombies

He then announced that he was not a fan of Madonna anymore. I don’t know what dogwhistle that’s about. He also believes that the Earth’s core has stopped rotating, and he also posted about boycotting musician Sam Smith because they wore a gay outfit to the Grammys. At this point he had become a reply guy agreeing with the posts of Ian Miles Cheong, some right-wing influencer I don’t know because I hate celebrity politics.

Mazri would also proceed to publicly message Wal-Mart imploring them to clean up their stores or face his “divine intervention”. The threats are new, and they haunt me a bit.

On April Fool’s Day, the official Garfield twitter hosted a lukewarm April Fool’s joke of having the account now belong to Nermal. Mazri would reply to this with a diatribe asking if they were going to make Nermal LGBT.

Mazri would lay low after that until the end of May, when he would announce his new projects: NathenEATS, a private art gallery of repainted cereal box art; and Clean Label Product, an attempt to make an authentic and trustable label for food with non-processed ingredients.

NathenEATS is kind of cute, for what it is, and Clean Label Product actually has a coherent goal. These might be the most noteworthy things Mazri has ever attempted. Unfortunately, they didn’t go very far. The art gallery amounted to a single digital exhibition in hilariously empty rooms, and the label never saw actual application – even if it had, it would have hardly been trustworthy, since it advertised itself as AI-powered. They both quietly disappeared.

Not much happened after that. He made a post praising Mohammed bin Salman and saying that he would be discontinuing his book because Saudi Arabia was now “better”. I don’t know enough about the politics here to talk about this.

In October, Mazri crawled out of his hole to do an interview with Honi Soit. This didn’t really bring any new information to light, but it did show that Mazri was still deeply concerned with the loss of his Garfield-themed fast food chain. At the end, he takes a sudden swerve to talk about his theory that the Jews are controlling the world.

Things were uneventful for Nathen Mazri and his brand… until Chris Pratt got announced as the new voice of Garfield in the upcoming Garfield movie.

The GarfieldEATS Recipes

Wait, hold on, I’ll get back to Chris Pratt. This is important. At the start of 2024, Mazri announced he would be releasing a “raw Word document” with all of the recipes.

I’m sorry. Hold on. I also need to mention that he went out of his way to post about how GarfieldEATS Toronto did not have a wheelchair-accessible entrance. He was bragging about this. Because it meant that it excluded Stephen Hawking.

Give me a minute. So much is happening here. I have to mourn that I would never have been able to go to GarfieldEATS.

Anyway, the recipe book!

The famous “orangey sauce” on the pizzas and lasagnas is San Marzano canned tomato puree, onions, garlic, shallots, basil, tapenade(?!) and truffle oil.

So, most of that is standard. The tapenade (that’s a puree of olives and capers) might be a bit challenging, especially for the kiddos. But truffle oil is hilariously bad. Why? Why not have their flagship product at least play it safe? I haven’t seen substantial complaints about the sauce, but I haven’t seen any compliments either.

Everything else here is pretty standard. Except wait, there is actually an answer to an earlier mystery – what the fuck was the “GarfieldEATS seasoning” on the Garfield Potato Tail? Why, it was garlic powder and parmesan cheese. There you go, mystery over.

Please Give Me Garfield Back

With the announcement of Chris Pratt as Garfield, Mazri’s mind – and brand – began to unravel over the course of 2024.

On March 21, just a few days after the release of Quiet On Set, Mazri would use this as the perfect opportunity to double down on his hatred of Nickelodeon. On Instagram, he published a threat of a 6-month deadline before he would purchase the rights to Garfield back from Nickelodeon. What? How?

It didn’t get much better from here. He became obsessed with the chance to capitalize on real world child abuse by accusing “Nickelodeon” of being a pedophile, all for the crime of not supporting his Garfield-themed restaurant enough. He does always speak about “Nickelodeon” as if it’s a person, which is mesmerizing.

His hatred for Chris Pratt (whom he interchangeably called “Chris Fart”, “Pratt Fart”, and “Chris Fart Pratt”) seemed to know no bounds. I’d love to say I’m in agreement with him on this one, but he made a post accusing Chris Pratt of blood libel, and also gloated when Pratt’s sitcom co-star Aubrey Plaza’s ex-husband killed himself. Sorry, that’s a mess of a sentence, but this guy just manifests those.

He also made this amazing post:

In between Garfield meltdown posting, he would use his free time to tweet about his various conspiracy theories. There was one day where he got so mad about the Met Gala that he posted fanfiction he wrote with ChatGPT about what would happen if everyone in the event spontaneously exploded. He also spent a lot of time talking to Andrew Tate’s Twitter account.

At this point the rise of generative AI had taken up a large portion of his time and creative output so I guess it’s time for me to talk about that.

If I were to talk about my thoughts on AI we’d be here all day, but to keep it simple: I do not believe in the value of copyrights and I don’t think machine learning is bad. I think indiscriminately feeding terabytes of scraped data is terrible – though not uniquely terrible, I also detest search engine bots – and I don’t think this technology was ready to be mass-deployed in the way it has been.

I don’t think that access to image generation tools has rotted Mazri’s brain or made him less creative. This is the Garfield pizza guy we’re talking about here. I do think there’s something to be said for the combination of image generation with instantaneous social media and feedback. In short, he would have been making garbage anyway, but it is now faster than ever for him to make useless posts online with no friction to stop him, and it’s safe to say that’s done something to his mental state. Can we get him on a dialup connection or something?

The Garfield movie released on May 24, 2024, and Mazri’s life would never significantly improve from here.

Right out the gate, here are the problems he has with this film:

  1. Chris Fart voice is wrong
  2. Color PMS 137 C is the real pantone
  3. Sick Nick plans to license the shit out of the IP and not produce it itself.
  4. No genuine passion
  5. Fucks licensees left and right
  6. Fires staff left & right
  7. #quietonset pedos

And here are his wishes for the movie:

  1. It was Frank Welker, not Chris
  2. GarfieldEATS becomes a global franchise
  3. Jim Davis didn’t sell to a Pedo studio
  4. Garfield fans were all invited to the premiere for free
  5. Garfield pantone Color PMS 137 C not to change
  6. Garfield as a baby is a RAT

In short, Mazri was furious that he wasn’t involved in the production of this film. He also believed that he was entitled to some sort of discount, a belief he would hold close to his heart as he started posting offering to DM people links to where to watch the movie for free. He also offered $5 for any negative review of the film.

He had also become obsessed with comparing CGI Garfield’s design to “Paw Petrol”, which I can’t really find a good place to work this into the article, but I just want it in here because Paw Petrol is so funny.

On June 5th, a Garfield roleplay account on Twitter would make a post claiming that Garfield had died shortly after eating at an Olive Garden buffet. Mazri would reply to this from his GarfieldEATS account:

Well, of course he died…it wasn’t a farm 2 plate lasagna like GarfieldEATS. He ate a suicide lasagna full of chemicals by a pedo studio. God knows what else is in it…maybe even Nickelodeon cum.

Fucking hell, dude. That’s going to be in my brain forever.

As he paced around on Twitter, he brainstormed other properties he could get the rights to in order to make another entry in the “EATS” franchise. Here were just some of his many, many ideas:

He only had a break from his instant validation for a few months, because in June he made a new Discord server, which was immediately occupied by trolls and QAnon-types. This seemed to only accelerate the worsening of his condition, as he would go on to make tweets such as a bold claim that the Garfield movie was a virus engineered in Wuhan (a common conspiracy theory about COVID-19).

He also made a promo tweet making it sound like he would be selling Nathfield plushies. This turned out to just be that he had bought a Nathfield plush from Budsies, a company that makes plushies from children’s drawings.

On July 23rd, YouTuber Izzzyzzz released a followup to their previous video on GarfieldEATS. I only skimmed it because I’ve lost enough hours of my life to GarfieldEATS, but it seems to be a pretty straightforward recap of actual things that Nathen Mazri has said and done. Mazri wasn’t having any of it, though, and took it to Twitter to complain about how it was falsified and exaggerated.

Over the course of Autumn, Mazri announced that he had made a big deal with The Smurfs (the characters). I would love to tell you what this “deal” was but I have no idea. Here’s a quote:

Egeez World will bring its first-in-industry approach to licensed, themed real estate overseing brand governance, aligning IP, manageing royalties, plan experiences, and ensuring high standards, while representing exlcusively world-famous trademark brands, just to mention a few, Emoji, the Smurfs, and the most viral sensation toy collectibles company brand, Youtooz, with major Hollywood and gaming studio partners. Nathen Mazri, a prominent figure, will serve as the creative force behind the mega projects, infusing urban spaces with a unique entertainment flair.

His projects had descended into incoherence at this point. At least GarfieldEATS had an app.

The end of an era (for really real this time)

Nathen Mazri opened the year by pretending that his Instagram account had been hacked by someone threatening to “spill the beans”. This turned out to be the reveal that Egeez World was doing a collaboration with Mr. Bean (the character). Nothing came of this.

A few days later, everything would take a nose-dive: Mazri announced that he was running for the far-right People’s Party of Canada.

There are rumors that this was incited by his Discord “fanbase”. I could believe it, but it’s speculation. It’s still easy to observe that over the course of his life he has gotten increasingly more angry and hateful from continuous exposure to right-wing grifters.

It’s just remarkable how quickly this story becomes nothing but depressing. I’ve been writing about this guy for a month now and I almost feel mournful. He almost immediately loses any desire to do new artistic endeavours in favor of being socially jerked off by an audience of enablers. At least some of them are doing it “ironically”, but what’s the difference?

Isn’t that how it ends up going? In 2015 I lost a Twitter friend because they suddenly converted to a Trump account. Their entire ideology was that Trump was “funny” and a “meme”. As long as they’re “funny”, these people seem harmless. It’s easier for them to get away with committing atrocities or openly expressing their desire for genocide, as long as they’re funny.

Mazri continues over the year to do some of his more iconic things, like claiming that Nathfield is immune to andropause, or his arc where he bought a Labubu and then decried it for being demonic. He also attempted to sell the GarfieldEATS Twitter account for 4 thousand dollars. I also have a soft spot for an Egeez ad published around this time that claims to be “the world’s first real estate project”.

But this would be the end of Mazri as a Garfield-inspired artist. In June, Izzzyzzz would release another video on him, and this seemed to be the final straw for his breaking brain, because he then immediately published a “documentary” that was a 10-second clip of Izzzyzzz typing at their computer as the camera wordlessly zoomed in on their cleavage.

I suppose my biggest fascination with this story is that it really is an excellent cross-section of how someone like Donald Trump could have come into power. The answer is social media. There really is something about Twitter that is the perfect platform for someone who can’t even string together a coherent sentence to become a pop culture icon.

Garfield Mazri

This is a tribute to Garfield Mazri the Real Cat.

On February 17, 2020, Nathen Mazri adopted a purebred Scottish Fold kitten and named him Garfield. This was, quite obviously, another publicity stunt for his restaurant; it would also coincidentally(?) be yet another pandemic pet.

There’s so much to be said here. Scottish Folds are bred to intentionally have skeletal dysplasia, a disorder of the bones and cartilage, which will always develop into arthritis and chronic pain later in life. Approximately over half of them also have a mutation responsible for polycystic kidney disease. The comic Garfield isn’t even a purebred cat!

Mazri never mentioned his cat again until January 2022, when he admitted to hitting the cat while he was drunk. This wasn’t received well, and moderators of his Discord server prohibited discussion or questions about this event.

He was silent about the cat for another two years. In February 2024 he made a post crudely announcing that he had received news from Garfield Mazri’s “new owner” that the cat now had kidney failure. This came as a shock as nobody knew at this point that the cat had been rehomed. In the same post, he references Garfield Mazri having been there for him after he lost the Garfield license in 2022. He went to visit Saudi Arabia in mid-2022, so my best guess is that he had the cat for two years and then rehomed it.

Garfield Mazri passed away on May 9th, 2024. My heart hurts for this cat. He deserved so much better than being posted on Instagram for clout. I hope his life with his new owner was a good one.

Categories: food

Tagged: 2020 2021 2022 2023 2024 garfield