Crumbl has abandoned its Cookies

Posted by brilokuloj on Oct 21, 2024

Once a not-so-humble upscale cookie joint, Crumbl has decided to scorn its roots. No longer shall their menu be Semi-Sweet Chocolate Chunk, Milk Chocolate Chip, Classic Pink Sugar, and The Overpriced Brownie. Now it shall be Semi-Sweet Chocolate Chunk, Milk Chocolate Chip, The Overpriced Cake, and The Other Overpriced Cake.

That’s right, Crumbl has dropped the “Cookies” from its name and has gone all in on desserts. I’m talking banana pudding, berry trifle, butter cake.

Why must they play God? Wasn’t it enough to sell overpriced cookies? Is no part of the average coffee chain safe from being pilfered and resold at a markup?

What the hell is Crumbl?

Crumbl was founded in 2017 by two cousins in Utah who came up with the brilliant idea of massively overcharging for chocolate chip cookies. Promotional material loves to describe them as having “no prior business experience”, which is an insanely disingenuous claim, as Hemsley was studying marketing in university and McGowan was a tech executive at motherfucking Ancestry.com.

When Crumbl first opened, they didn’t have a rotating menu. Except it’s trivial to find reviews that say they did. And apparently they sold their first cookie in 2018, even though they had been open in 2017.

It wasn’t until 2020 that Crumbl cemented as a brand – really, is that a surprise? In a time where people found themselves estranged and alone, I can see why many turned to the flavors of a warm home-baked cookie. Its popularity continued to boom over 2021 as they took on a social media presence on TikTok.

In 2022, Crumbl had reached 400 locations, with 7 million followers across Tiktok and Instagram. This newfound clout inspired them to sue Crave Cookies and Dirty Dough for being “confusingly similar” – even though Crumbl launched within driving distance of a fellow cookie restaurant named Baked. (And even though Insomnia Cookies has been doing the whole fancy cookie thing since 2003.)

I, for one, think Crumbl is a fraud and perhaps one of the most worrying symptoms of late-stage capitalism. What happened to the local overpriced foods being options like the humble Chipotle, where you could at least build your own monstrosity? Who does Crumbl think it is, moving in on territory right next to the chain chiropractors?

Its employees aren’t much happier about it:

Neither is the U.S. Department of Labor, which fined Crumbl Cookie $57,854 in total for child labor violations; 46 workers as young as 14 were given shift hours exceeding the legal maximum, and they were expected to work dangerous machinery as well.

How does its fanbase feel?

There are people who actually eat these cookies every week and I hope they explode.

That said, Crumbl enjoyers seem fairly torn on the treats. The diehard enjoyers are committed to their sugar bricks, while more critical consumers are concerned about if these actually taste good and if they’re even cooked all the way through.

You read that right. Within the past year, Crumbl has developed a reputation for serving underbaked goods. So not only are they barely making cookies anymore, the cookies aren’t even cooked.

And the lies continue:

At least their cookies haven’t killed anyone… yet. As far as I know.

Categories: food

Tagged: crumbl cookies

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