Reach dairy enlightenment through the Cheese Riddles

Posted on Sep 20, 2020

The mysteries of the world are uncountable, unknowable, perplexing beyond human imagination. There’s so much that we cannot know, things we will not, must not know. These grains of forbidden knowledge are cataloged in far, disparate libraries, protected by the wisest of monks who have dedicated their lives to studying this lore. 

But it’s our privilege to introduce you to this secret world, to initiate you into the study of these mysteries. We alone hold the keys of knowledge that, when used, will unlock new dimensions of understanding in your own brain. We invite you, acolyte, to step through the door to your new life. Come and ponder with us… the Cheese Riddles. 

Cheese Riddle #17

“Oh Mrs. Murphy, what do you get when you add melted cheddar cheese to your basic peas?”

As an initiate, we mean to test your resolve, your dedication to the study of the Cheese Riddles. Each one is an enigma to be pondered over, mulled on for the rest of your life. The answer to a Cheese Riddle is not merely an answer, but a new paradigm of existence in itself. The given solution to a Cheese Riddle may seem nonsensical, even arbitrary, but understanding only comes through experience.

In the first Cheese Riddle we task you to study, Mrs. Murphy is asked what seems like a simple question about simple peas. A rich sauce of cheddar cheese is shown being poured over a humble plate of green peas, cloaking them in bright orange the same way Mrs. Murphy’s red hair shrouds her head.

Cheddar doesn’t melt like that, by the way. It breaks. It gets greasy. Oily. You know what does melt like that? Velveeta. 

Regardless, behold the answer to this Cheese Riddle:

Answer Irish eyes a’smiling.

Does this puzzle you? Do you not understand? That is normal, initiate. Here is the moment you may back out, or choose to push forward, past your confusion. In time, you will learn.

Cheese Riddle #18

“Mom, what do you get when you slice and melt American cheese over ordinary hot dogs?”

Now that we’ve piqued your appetite with your first Cheese Riddle, let us progress into the deeper mysteries. At surface level, this Cheese Riddle seems simple, obvious even. But the magic of the Cheese Riddles are because of their simplicity, not despite it. Each one questions our very relationship with food, why it makes us happy, how it pleases our palate. To put American cheese slices on top of a hot dog seems plain, but the Cheese Riddle #18 forces us to put this simple dish in a new context, one that has what is very obviously the same “children cheering” sound sample that Five Nights at Freddy uses.

Notice how the cheese is not even melted, simply draped over the top of the entire bun like a blanket. Served with a side of potato chips, it’s a microcosm of what children ate like in the 90s. So perhaps the answer to this Cheese Riddle will make more sense to you:

Answer A happy lunch bunch.

I mean, wow, we really did eat like that, huh.

Cheese Riddle #19

“Mom, what do you get when you grate and melt cheddar cheese over a plain baked potato?”

Each Cheese Riddle is a microcosm, a reflection of the universe held in the palm of your hand. Some masters spend their entire lives studying a single Cheese Riddle, probing its mysteries deeper and deeper like a fractal with no bottom. Cheese Riddle #19 is one of those riddles that can be pondered upon for an eternity and never brought any closer to true understanding. Consider a plain baked potato. No pepper, no salt, nothing but a potato, well-baked and fluffy. Then, grate and melt cheddar cheese over it. What do you get from this combination? 

Could this be related to the Creation of the world by a divine hand? Or, just as easily, it could be regarding the happenstance nature of reality - only through chance does the idea of cheese and potato meet? There isn’t even sour cream on the potato. Would a divine hand allow this kind of suffering? There is only one logical response: sheer awe from nature itself.

Answer Oohs and aahs.

Cheese Riddle #24

“Excuse me, Giorgio, what do you get when you add mozzarella to an ordinary tomato?”

Nobody is above the allure of the Cheese Riddles. Kings and beggars both have been known to drop their old lives entirely in favor of their study. This Cheese Riddle is a perfect example of such a phenomenon. Giorgio here was one a humble tenor trudging his way through the world of opera, but after discovering his first Cheese Riddle, he abandoned his lay life in favor of meditation. He joined our monastery, singing only the praises of Cheese Riddles.

Hence, the answer to this Cheese Riddle is in memory of dear Giorgio and his dedication to our mysteries.

Answer Something to sing about!

The answer is a fitting tribute, even if that tomato is whole and the “mootzarela” cheese is barely browned. But we’re not here to enjoy eating cheese, we’re here to study the Cheese Riddles.

Cheese Riddles #27 and #29

“Hey mom, what do you get when you melt Swiss cheese over your little guy’s plain hamburger?” 

This Cheese Riddle is a two-parter, and is noticeably missing Cheese Riddle #28. The reason for this is unknown, and may be a Cheese Riddle riddle within itself. 

We begin with Cheese Riddle #27, a paean to the cheeseburger. A common thread of meditation for intermediate Cheese Riddle mendicants is to ponder over what a cheeseburger without its cheese would be. What is a plain hamburger? A simple lump of meat on bread? Is the meat even salted? Do buns count as a topping? What does it mean when a cheeseburger has no cheese? This is the gateway to understanding. When you can comprehend the cheeseburger without cheese, you can grasp the world in the palm of your hand.

In this video, the hamburger is one of those huge, thick homestyle burgers that will be loaded with grease and probably squirt meat juice all over your face when you bite into it. It’s disgusting, really. The only good hamburger is a nice thin patty, smashed into ultra-crispness.

Answer A standing ovation.

Amazing, considering how gross that burger is.

“Mom, what do you get when you take along chunks of cheddar and Swiss for the long drive?” 

Aside from getting them stuck in your car when your kid inevitably drops one and it rolls under the chair? 

Answer Miles and miles of smiles.

We’re going to admit that even our wisest of monks don’t understand this one very well. There’s probably some kind of metaphor about cars, or travel? Journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step? A mile in somebody else’s shoes. Their cheese shoes. Look, this one isn’t a very good riddle, so we’re just going to move on.

Cheese Riddle #32

“Hey mom, what do you get when you add melted cheddar cheese to ordinary broccoli?”

Okay, no amount of studying the Cheese Riddles will make eating broccoli tolerable. It is easily the worst of all brassicas, with an unbearable texture and flavor. A hearty helping of kale or cauliflower would be vastly preferable, even smothered in cheese. And I mean, look at that broken, lumpy cheese sauce! They couldn’t get a food artist to smooth that out? There’s no way the kid in this commercial ate any of that. They just smeared some sauce on their chin. Even little chunks of broccoli in macaroni and cheese is intolerable. What’s the answer to this riddle, anyway?

Answer Oohs and aahs?

Seriously? That was the answer to Cheese Riddle #19! Oh my God I just realized that this is a pun on “ooze” and aahs. Christ alive, I hate this. This is -

My fellow monks have advised me that I need to get back on track with my studies. I apologize, dear reader. Your initiation continues thusly.

Broccoli is still disgusting. No amount of cheese has helped me. I cannot eat small chunks of broccoli suspended in macaroni and cheese. That child is lying. That child did not eat. They smeared a bit of cheese on that kid’s chin.

Cheese Riddle #33

“Say ma’am, what do you get when you add Monterey Jack cheese to plain chili?” 

Okay, back to the riddling. This Cheese Riddle concerns itself with… chili, I guess. What does chili represent? Well, the great outdoors? Campfires? What’s the answer to this one?

Answer Happy cowboys. Okay, we can work with that. So, you get happy cowboys. What is the meaning behind a happy cowboy? Well, they’re… happy. And they’re doing cowboy stuff. Rodeos. Six shooters. All that kind of stuff.

The cheese in this riddle is in huge cubes, which don’t look like they would melt very well in a chili. Shouldn’t they grate cheese to put on top of chili? It’s not as bad as the broccoli, though. Uh, but yeah, meditate on this one for a while. You’ll learn all kinds of insights. Cheese related insights.

Cheese Riddle #36

“Hey mom, what do you get when you add grated Parmesan to ordinary vegetable soup?” 

Well, you get soup with cheese on it.


The answer to this one is A soup-er kid’s lunch.

I guess that’s the case. I don’t know.

The Cheese Riddles I have shared with you are the totality of known Cheese Riddles. There may be more - there may be dozens more - but it is unknown what is and is not in our collection. If you know more, please tell us. These were made by “America’s Dairy Farmers” and the “National Dairy Board” but neither of those are actual things. Seriously, google it. Just who was making these? Yet another riddle…

Okay, not all of these Cheese Riddles are a particularly viable path to enlightenment. That’s just how it is. But isn’t the point of meditation and study to do it, not just what it gets you? Enlightenment is a journey, not a destination, and you’ll only realize you’re there once you’ve long passed it. The study of the Cheese Riddles may seem arbitrary, even stupid, as a focus for meditation. And yeah, it seriously is. I’m reconsidering why I’m a member of this monastery anyway. But there’s one all-important answer to all of these Cheese Riddles, one that forms the backbone of our philosophy. And now, initiate, you are ready to learn the ultimate secret, the final step of knowledge that will bridge you from mere apprentice to learned master. It is thus:


Don’t forget the cheese.

Keep this in mind at all times, and you will understand.

Categories: occult

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