3D Doritos are back and nothing will ever be bad again
Posted by palabomeno on Jan 21, 2021
3D DORITOS ARE BACK!!! 90S KIDS REJOICE!!! WOW THEY’RE BACK!!! OH MY GOD!!! LIFE IS WORTH LIVING AGAIN!!! WOWOWOW!!!
Oh, you don’t know what 3D Doritos are? You poor pitiful zoomer, sit down and let me tell you a story. Once upon a time, things were good, and everything was okay, and nothing bad ever happened. This wonderful time was called The 90s, and it was perfect. But something bad happened, and The New Millennium began, and things started sucking. Now we are in a time where everything is very, very bad, and nothing is good anymore. But when it was the 90s, nothing ever happened. There was no war in Iraq. The president never had any scandals. And for sure, the food was always amazing and unique and interesting.
Fortunately, the Powers That Be are merciful, and sometimes they bring back precious 90s food! They brought back Crystal Pepsi, remember that? That was so good and fully distracted me from my emotional problems for a while. And Surge! I loved Surge so much, when I was a child, and the world was good. And now they are bringing back 3D Doritos! They were like regular Doritos, but 3D! It’s crazy, right? And it’s back! It’s back! It’s back! It’s back it’s back it’s back! Things are okay again!
Nothing will ever be bad again.
What are 3D Doritos? Well, back in the day, it was a pretty wild time for experimenting with chips. 3D Doritos were a new idea in the chip world: what if you had a chip, but it was in three dimensions? Take a tiny little Dorito, puff it up into a little pillow shape, and it would be an all new taste sensation. It’s crisp, it’s fluffy, it’s different. It’s kind of like Bugles, but also different from Bugles. And you know what else? It came in little plastic tubes! Like Pringles, kind of! When you were done with the chips, you could keep the tube as a fun toy and you could smell the smell inside the tube and it would smell like Doritos.
The new 3D Doritos comes in two flavors: Chili Cheese Nacho and Spicy Ranch. We don’t remember what flavors the original all came in, but these are spicy compared to how they were in the past. Kids today love spicy stuff compared to back then. And you know, we love spicy stuff. Could they have… improved on the past? No. Not possible. No way. But we have to know. And there’s only one way to find out. Eat them.
So, you open these up and take a whiff. I’ll share a story with you, readers: it’s 2000, and you’re sitting on your local beach. It’s a beach day with your family. They have snacks. You crack open a pack of ranch 3D Doritos and take a deep whiff. They say smell is the sense closest linked to memory. I’ll tell you this much: these smell exactly the same as they did twenty years ago. It’s insane. I hadn’t thought about how these things smelled in literal Decades Plural and it’s like I’m there again. It’s incredible. I’d buy a bag of these just to smell. But, you know, they basically smell like Bugles. These are little more than Bugles.
I really want to emphasize these are basically Bugles. But they aren’t exactly Bugles! These are thinner, fluffier, and crisper, where Bugles go for a thick crunch. Also, 3D Doritos are a triangular “pillow” shape compared to Bugles’s distinct hollow cone. But, I mean, they’re Bugles. They are clearly made with the almost same dough as bugles. They have an extremely similar texture to Bugles. They are thin, crisp Bugles with Doritos flavoring. I don’t really think of Bugles as a flavored chip, but I don’t think of Bugles much at all.
But I do think of 3D Doritos, and now I’d like to regale you with how fucking hard it was to find these! We had to do a full tour of several gas stations in our area to find both flavors of these. We found the Ranch 3D Doritos at the first gas station we found, but they didn’t have Nacho Cheese. So we tried another gas station, and another one after that, and another after that, and none of them had any 3D Doritos. Where were we supposed to get these? It wasn’t until two days later, where we were getting gas at a little rinky gas station off in the deep suburbs because we were far away from home and needed gas, that we found the Nacho Cheese flavor! It was incredibly lucky. I guess that you should go to a place like Walmart to get these, but going into a Walmart is a death sentence nowadays. We’d sooner lick a public hand railing then go inside Walmart right now.
So, holy shit, let’s eat the damn things! Let’s start with the ranch, because that’s what we had first. They, well, they taste like Cool Ranch Doritos. I don’t know what I expected. They taste like Cool Ranch because they are Cool Ranch. But hold the phone, these are spicy! So… it’s spicy Cool Ranch. Yep. The crisp crunch is a nice difference, and these are pretty spicy, so they’re fun but… it’s just Cool Ranch. It’s definitely better than regular Cool Ranch, because spicy ranch is one of the best flavors for anything, but it’s still Just Plain Old Cool Ranch With Spicy.
The Chili Cheese Nacho ones were a little more interesting, though, because they had a bit more of a chili “meatiness” to them. Or maybe I was delusional, and tasting something that wasn’t there. Will liked these a lot more than the ranch ones, because Will likes nacho cheese and I like ranch and that makes us Quite The Odd Couple! As well, these may have been a little spicier than the ranch 3Ds? We have no way to be sure. We had to eat these several days after we ate the ranch ones so we couldn’t directly compare.
Finally, nothing bad will ever happen again. The 90s are back and everything is okay again. There is no unrest in the world. Video games are fun, and I can spend all day playing them. We can ignore the news, and not worry about any kind of major political unrest the country is going through. We have the things from our childhoods back and we can regress into the same state of blissful ignorance. We are free.
Tagged: 1998 2021 90s cheese chips doritos ranch retro spicy tortilla chips