Taco Bell is making us live in Taco Hell

Taco Bell is back at it again spitting in the face of their customers by butchering their menu. After the travesty that was their recent decimation, they’ve once again taken the scalpel to their menu and removed classics. The damage wreaked this time is nowhere near as severe as last time, but what’s been removed is… We don’t even have the words.

It seems like Taco Bell is only doing this to be spiteful by now. We have no other explanation why they would continue to do this after the universally negative response last time. But fast food restaurants do not normally listen to their customers that well, and when they do, it tends to end in disaster.

Let’s just get this over with. I don’t know how much more heartbreak I can handle.

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Five Dollar Pizza is so much more than five dollars of pizza

Pizza is too expensive! We’ll just say it! It costs too much money to buy a pizza! Having to pay so much damn money for a simple bread, sauce, and cheese is exhausting. In the quarantine environment we’ve been living in for the past seven months minimum, pizza has evolved from an “easy meal” to “life-saving necessity” for us. We know that pizza isn’t cheap – the costs of cheese and toppings adds up quickly, and the margins are razor-thin even in the largest markets. 

Still, there’s a saying about bad sex and bad pizza: it’s still pretty good. Sometimes the cheapest pizzas are the best ones, not just for their quality, but for the experiences they provide. Some of our best pizza memories take place in parked cars at Little Caesars, at gas stations, in college cafeterias, getting the Pizza Hut personal pan at Target. Cheap pizza is something that’s worth hunting down and going out of your way for.

When we found a place called Five Dollar Pizza in Minneapolis, we really thought it was too good to be true. Ever since Little Caesars had shut down completely in our area, we had resigned ourselves to pizza costing over twice as much from now on.  We didn’t really mind, because Little Caesars pizza really tastes like it was made with five dollars worth of ingredients, so we willing shelled out for our local Domino’s “$5.99 for Two” deals and made do. Seeing that there was another place, an independent place, that offered pizza at a Little Caesars price seemed impossible. But, one day we were up in the area, and decided we simply had no choice but to drop in. For five dollars, what could we lose?

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Do Us A Flavor and stay inside

It’s that time of year again! In case you haven’t been out to get groceries in the past, oh, ten or so years, Lay’s has regularly done more “interesting” flavors as limited-time promotions. It all started with the “Do Us A Flavor” contest in 2012, where you could submit your ideas for chip flavors online and the winners would be made into real chips. This ended up giving us such strange chips as Cappuccino and Wasabi Ginger, which were utterly divine and need to come back. 

Now Lay’s has released a line of five “Flavor Icons”, chips inspired by famous restaurants around America. No contest here, just five bags of good ol’ American sit-down taste: Chile Relleno from Cocina Azul in Albuquerque; Wavy Carnitas Street Taco from El Torito in Los Angeles; Kettle Cooked New York Style Pizza from Grimaldi’s in New York City; Philly Cheesesteak from Geno’s Steaks in Philadelphia; and finally Nashville Hot Chicken from Party Fowl in Nashville.

We only ended up trying the former three flavors, because grocery shopping sucks. We would have loved to try the hot chicken flavor, but you can’t get everything you want, especially in this hell world we live in nowadays.

So hey, let’s crack open these bags and see what kind of weird shit Lay’s is doing this year.

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The best part of The Elder Scrolls is reading books – ranked

The Elder Scrolls is probably one of the deepest and most involved video games in history when it comes to terms of scope. With five games in the main series, a bevvy of side-games, and a full-fledged MMO, it’s hard to imagine a similar series coming out that would have so much content. But the best part of The Elder Scrolls isn’t just the games themselves; it’s the incredibly rich lore the game’s setting provides. The fandom of The Elder Scrolls have debated for decades over the lore of this series, coming up with hundreds of outlandish theories, some of them even supported by the devs themselves in the long run.

One of the best features of The Elder Scrolls, in our opinion, is the massive quantity of in-game books that are available to read. Yes, you can read full-fledged books in The Elder Scrolls, just for fun! Some of them have tangible in-game benefits (primarily leveling up your skills, as the story of the book might include a scene relevant to combat or adventuring), but a huge number of them simply exist to be read. These books provide the bulk of the game’s inexhaustible lore, going over minor details of the cosmology, small scenes from history, or in-game works of fiction designed to entertain the imaginary inhabitants of Tamriel.

In our time as fans of The Elder Scrolls, we’ve collected our personal top five books inside The Elder Scrolls. We’re ranking these by personal preference alone, by how entertaining and readable each one is, and how engrossing we found its story. There’s much richer lore to be found in many other books, but if you want a good read, we think these top five are a great way to get into the universe of Elder Scrolls fiction.

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Kraft Dinner is now Kraft Breakfast and there are no more rules

Everybody who has ever lived in their life likes to eat macaroni and cheese for dinner. Kraft Macaroni and Cheese is so popular as a dinner time treat, it’s simply labeled “Kraft Dinner” in Canada. But what if you wanted to eat Kraft Macaroni and Cheese at a different time of day? What if you wanted it for… breakfast?

This is unthinkable. It is called Kraft Macaroni And Cheese Dinner for a reason. Eating it for dinner is what you are supposed to do with it. You do not eat it for breakfast. That is a bad thing to do, and probably has spiritually negative implications. You are putting your mortal soul on the line by wanting to eat macaroni and cheese for breakfast. It is for dinner.

But Kraft is a kind god, and is willing to provide us an indulgence. Yes, soon there will be boxes of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese Breakfast on shelves! Maybe, I don’t know, it looks like it’s part of some kind of contest where you can win a magnet and a mug and a box of the Breakfast and stuff I really don’t care about it. What I care about is that it will be macaroni and cheese breakfast! This is new ground. Nobody has ever eaten macaroni and cheese for breakfast before.

But what about it makes it for breakfast?

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Why do people hate the “poor baby monkeys”?

What drives seemingly ordinary, well-adjusted members of our society to partake in sadistic behavior?

That’s the common question I found myself wondering all over again when I discovered “MonkeyHateGate“. Deep in the bowels of YouTube is a community dedicated to a shared hatred of… baby monkeys.

Who are these people, and why do they hate baby monkeys? Seriously, they’re adorable. Right? Please don’t tell me you hate baby monkeys too. Uh oh. I hope we’re not going to have a problem here.

Yeah, at first glance, this whole thing sounded utterly laughable to me. I immediately concluded it must have been another dumb YouTube comment meme… I’m saying all this so that you don’t let your guard down. This article gets grim fast.

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We rank the top 2 female breakfast cereal mascots that have ever existed

Here’s a challenge for you: name a single female breakfast cereal mascot.

Give up? That doesn’t surprise us. When it comes to breakfast, virtually every mascot is, for some reason, a man. Look up Post, look up Kellogs, all dudes. Cap’n Crunch, Tony the Tiger, the Cocoa Puffs bird whose name escapes me right now… Yep, all men. Not a lady to be seen. Even Lucky Charms has a guy for a mascot. Even Count Chocula. 

What about Fruity Pebbles, you say? Nope. Fred and Barney are clearly the mascots for that one. Not even Pebbles herself gets to be on the box. Even the very first cereal mascot in all recorded cereal history, Elijah from the actual bible, was a man.

Why is this? What is it about cereal that makes mascot designers simply go blind to half of the population? Is it because most of them were designed way back in the 40s, when men liked to pretend women weren’t real? The mysteries abound in the world of breakfast. Where have all the girls gone off to?

Well, dearest reader, we’re here to reveal the truth. There are female breakfast cereal mascots, and we’re going to rank… both of them. From worst to best. Yes, there are only two that we know of, and one of them is pretty dubious if it’s supposed to be a woman or not. But god damn it, we’re not working with a lot here, okay? So bear with us, as we rank the two best female cereal mascots there are.

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We rank every Rainbow Road from every Mario Kart game

When a person thinks of Mario Kart, it’s very likely the first course they think of is Rainbow Road. Every Mario Kart game has come with Rainbow Road, the most difficult track at the very end of the final cup of the game. The Rainbow Road in each game is always a memorable track, but not all Rainbow Roads are created equal.

We’re taking it upon ourselves to rank all eight Rainbow Roads from worst to best, as according to our whims. The following rank is our opinion, and we don’t expect you to agree with it, but just know that we’re always right about everything. So hit the jump, and ride the rainbow road with us…

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Taco John’s Meat & Potato Breakfast Burrito has meat and potato indeed

Taco Bell may have betrayed us, but it’s a good thing they aren’t the only pseudo-Mexican-style food restaurant in the business. One of our personal favorites is Taco John’s, a distinctively Midwestern brand of ground meat slop shoved into tortillas that has managed to capture our heart. 

It’s no secret that our number one favorite fast food item is Taco Bell’s Breakfast Crunchwrap, which was definitely the reason we were distracted from noticing Taco John’s breakfast menu for so long. Though Taco John’s was our first stop if we wanted shitty tacos, Taco Bell had our hearts for shitty breakfast. With Taco Bell announcing that they’re going to be making unforgivable changes to their menu, we’ve been in the market for a new tortilla-wrapped breakfast delight.

Most of Taco John’s breakfast items were the standard ‘breakfast burrito’ kind of thing, but one caught our eye: The “Meat & Potato Breakfast Burrito”. With just good old meat, potatoes, and eggs in it, it was a potential challenger to the Crunchwrap throne.

So can the Meat & Potato Breakfast Burrito dethrone the Breakfast Crunchwrap in our eyes? Hit the jump and find out.

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Taco Bell’s menu annihilation, one item at a time

Disclaimer: I can’t believe this needs to be said, but please don’t get mad at fast food employees over menu changes. Seriously. The people making and serving your food have no control over this, and there are even plenty of them just as upset as you are.

Taco Bell, why have you seen fit to forsake us? We were so kind to you, weren’t we? During this whole fucked up pandemic, we ate at you loyally, and you sustained us so kindly. Was that not enough for you? What have we done to stir up such resentment in you? Why are you doing this to us?

A post on /r/LivingMas (Reddit’s board for Taco Bell fans) posited a rumor that Taco Bell would be making some… changes to their menu. No, they’re not adding anything new. They’re ripping the menu to shreds. Absolutely decimating it! Taco Bell has decided, in its infinite wisdom, to take apart some of the best things that they have to offer. Why? What are they thinking? We’re going to break down these rumors one piece at a time over the jump.

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