Posted on May 20, 2020
We love the Minnesota Zoo. Every time we’ve gone there, it’s been a fantastic experience. For the money, it’s one of the best ways to pack an entire day full of entertainment, exercise, and education you can get. It’s just too bad that there’s a global pandemic on and all, forcing the shutdown of non-essential businesses like this one.
The zoo is actually especially in trouble due to the coronavirus situation, having just laid off 48 employees and reducing their total workers by 125 people. Naturally it’s hard to run a zoo in a situation that requires severe social distancing - the zookeepers are good at keeping the animals away from you, not from keeping the people away from each other.
So we’d like to take you on a small virtual journey, a tribute of sorts, to the Minnesota Zoo. We want to talk about the good times the zoo has given us, in a transparent attempt to pull at your heart strings and maybe donate a little money to the Minnesota Zoo Foundation. So please, click through the jump to learn about the good times we’ve had at the zoo.
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Posted on May 15, 2020
Sometimes, you just gotta have some Panda Express. So we got some Panda.
In these coronavirus-riddled times, it’s not so easy to go out and get you some Panda Express, though. It takes significantly more foresight, planning, and preparation to go out and pick up some cheap hot food from a chain restaurant than it used to. Not a huge amount, of course, but you can’t just slap on some sweatpants and drive down the block like you could in the Old Days. It takes deliberation. It requires a sense of purpose.
That purpose, primarily, is having to sit down and fill out the order form on their website. This is a double edged sword, because it gives you virtually unlimited time to actually contemplate what you want to eat without any line pressure, but then you have to wrangle with the universally terrible online ordering form. God help you if you want to order from one of those delivery apps - those are even worse!
But once you’ve got your order set, it’s time to head outside. So slap those sweatpants on, find a clean face mask, and get your keys. Shit, where are your keys? You can’t hit the jump without your keys!
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Posted on May 8, 2020
There is an amazing Mexican restaurant in our area that we only rarely go to. The Andale Taquiera is a hidden gem of the suburbs, a Guy Fieri-approved diner that serves some of the most amazing burritos and tacos you can get on this side of the Twin Cities, and certainly the best ones outside of the cities proper. And yet, we choose time and time to go to Chipotle down the street instead.
Why is this? Why do we keep doing this to ourselves? Everybody knows that Chipotle’s burritos are only just passable, and any independent Mexican restaurant worth their salt would blow them out of the water. We certainly are aware of this, but we kept choosing Chipotle time and time again. What kind of madness is this? What possible reason could someone choose to do this to themselves? Well, if you’re as perplexed at our behavior as we are, just click through and we’ll tell you all about the Chipotle experience.
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Posted on Apr 6, 2020
Disclaimer: Due to the outbreak of the novel coronavirus, we weren’t really able to go outside and buy a Breakfast Crunchwrap to take photos of for our article. We’re making do with stock images from Taco Bell itself. Sorry.
Taco Bell is something that is almost, but not entirely, unlike real Mexican food. We don’t like to parrot talking points about “authentic” food here on Eggware.XYZ, but we really do have to admit that Taco Bell is as far detached from Mexican cuisine as Magritte’s pipe was to a real one. But there’s a certain beauty in it: in a sense, it is pure and authentic American cuisine, representing everything that makes the modern United States of America the way it is: its cheesy-potatoey strengths, and its blatant disregard for the cultures it has built itself upon.
Most of the most interesting offerings on Taco Bell’s menu are those that don’t try to ape Mexican cuisine, but do their own allegedly-unique things. This is a tradition of theirs stemming all the way back to the Enchirito, a mashup of an enchilada and a burrito in one saucy mess. One of our favorite concoctions is the Crunchwrap Supreme, a kind of rethinking of a burrito that is folded into a hexagon around a tostada.
The Crunchwrap is what Taco Bell is all about. It’s designed in a way that makes it more convenient to eat than a regular burrito of similar size, and adding a tostada for crispiness is a clever textural component. There’s nothing like it anywhere else. We don’t want to imply that this is good food, or even particularly tasty. It’s just one of the little ‘innovations’ that you get in fast food, the kind that Taco Bell specializes in. Since Taco Bell works with a different palette of ingredients than most other fast food restaurants - tortillas instead of buns, loose ground meat instead of patties - they have more liberty to experiment and create strange concoctions.
First released as a limited time offer in 2005, the Crunchwrap Supreme was popular enough to be added to their full time menu in 2006 and has been there ever since. And since the Crunchwrap Supreme was so popular, when Taco Bell introduced a new breakfast 2014 they added a Breakfast Crunchwrap to it. This was the most brilliant thing that Taco Bell has ever done.
But why is the Breakfast Crunchwrap so good? Let’s dissect the original Crunchwrap first, so we can understand the Breakfast Crunchwrap better.
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Posted on Apr 1, 2020
Happy April Fool’s Day, everybody! It is with a heavy heart that we must report to you that April Fool’s Day has been totally cancelled this year.
Unfortunately, there is literally nothing whatsoever funny left to talk about. In the face of an international pandemic that has warped the fabric of cultural discourse in the way a black hole warps the fabric of reality, having fun on April Fool’s Day has become simply crass. Indeed, many April Fool’s Day jokes would revolve around the novel coronavirus itself or the horrible disease it causes! That is simply unthinkable.
No, the safest course of action is to cancel April Fool’s Day all together. We would like to stress that this is a universal mandate and applies to all people across the world! We were as surprised as you to learn that we had this power, but due to a clerical error back in the late ‘80s the namespace of “eggware.xyz” is the holder of all authority in the day of April Fool’s. We have never before felt it necessary to take action of any kind, but in these troubling times it is better safe than sorry.
If somebody tries to perform an April Fool’s Day prank on you, you can simply and safely tell them “sorry, no good today!” and walk away. It’s on them for not keeping up to date with the latest April Fool’s Day news! If you see a website hosting an April Fool’s Day joke, please report it immediately to us. We will handle it from there.
April Fool’s Day is supposed to be a day of jollity and joy and it breaks our heart to have to cancel it. Sadly, it is clear that the world’s mindset is in no place to be soothed by japes and jags. Tomfoolery of even the lowest order would only cause greater despair, and a classic gag is right out the window. Let us not forget how common pranks such as a humble “kick me” sign or a bucket of water on top of a door frame would be a gross violation of social distancing!
We hope you are all coping well with life under the coronavirus outbreak and wish you the best of luck. If you miss the good humor of April Fool’s Day and wish to experience a good laugh this year, why not tell a joke to yourself in a mirror? It will be good practice for next year.
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Posted on Mar 25, 2020
WARNING: The following article is very NSFW. Please do not read this if you are under the age of 18, or if you are somebody who works for Parasole Restaurant Holdings.
Burger Jones. The name fills me with fear. How can I possibly explain why? What words will describe the imagined world of Burger Jones, otherwise a small Minnesotan chain of hamburger restaurants? What will atone for what we have invented? Is it simply too late?
Burger Jones was opened in 2009 by Parasole Restaurant Holdings, a small restaurateur business that owns several other restaurants across the Twin Cities. Like what must now be 80% of restaurants in the United States, it is a hamburger restaurant. It serves hamburgers. Its named “Burger Jones”. This isn’t hard math.
But there is a darker side to Burger Jones, a dripping, turgid mess, that is a complete and utter fantasy invented by us here at Eggware.XYZ as one of the stupidest running jokes ever devised. We’d like to apologize to any members of Parasole Restaurant Holdings, or any other employee of the Burger Jones who might stumble upon this article, but our tale must be told. We’ve lived with this for too long, and now that we have finally dined at Burger Jones, you must all share our pain.
We are so, so sorry.
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