Kronk.Com

Posted on Nov 24, 2017

Kronk dot com

Twitter got you down? Tired of the same news stories being circulated by your horrible friend group, which apparently forgot how to read sometime within the past decade and now just blindly retweets anything - even posts by nazi furs? Tired of popular, functional social media websites rotting your brain and making you paranoid for your safety?

Come to KRONK.NET, our Twitter replacement startup biz, where the fun lasts until you log off! Check out our website’s amazing features under the jump!

Do you miss being able to call tooting “tweeting”, boosting “retweeting”, tweeting “posting”, and retweeting “sharing”? Don’t worry, because we’ve got the solution for you - more inane nicknames for basic concepts! Tooting here is called “klonking”, retweeting is called “plusklonking”, and favoriting is called “enabling”!

Over here, we can’t just have a heart or a star or anything that makes any amount of sense - we have to be “cute” about it, so we have levers. Press the UP lever to express your appreciation of a post by giving it an UPKRANK! Just be careful to not press the DOWN lever and accidentally murder your friend, because here if klonks are downkranked enough, we will hire an assassin to kill the offending poster if they do not surrender $2,500 to fund our servers!

But don’t you worry about your friend. Paying users are entered into a raffle where they have a 0.00001% chance of winning a little blue checkmark by their name! (Rumors that the percentage is 50% if you are a member of the alt-right are unfounded.)

The official KRONK.COM mobile app is fucking broken! But you can try the unofficial third-party app, which MIGHT not personally leak your info - at least not to us!

Tired of the “show best first” paradigm fucking up your timeline? KLORK’s patented “CHRONOLOGICAL TIMELINE” algorithm is designed to generate an authentic chronologically correct feed! Opt in now to ensure your timeline will always show the newest stuff first!

We have a fun mascot! Fun mascot removed sorry

KLICK.COM guarantees a welcoming and friendly environment for all of its paying users. Free trial users will be allowed access to the “Quarantine”* server, where moderation will be provided on an as-necessary basis.

*Name change pending

But what about the Nazis, you may ask? We’re working on it

So don’t delay, and join KUUUGH.GOV today! Trust us, you’ll feel obliged to in four years anyway!

Please consider funding us on Patreon, where we’re absolutely not working on making our website better or more functional.

Categories: humor

Tagged: internet mastodon parody social media twitter

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