Happy one year anniversary! It’s hard to believe it’s been a full year, huh? I know, it feels like it was just yesterday. Oh, you don’t know what it’s the anniversary of? Well, it’s been one year since Will and Paula contracted COVID-19! That’s right! We’ve been long-haulers for a full year now! Man, how time flies. Remember when we thought all of this would be over by July? Ha ha!
Man, having COVID sucks. It was one of the worst experiences of our life. But we were the first people we knew to contract COVID-19, and to this day, we still don’t know anybody else who has gotten it. And we caught a very mild case, mind you. We didn’t even have to go to a hospital about it. But in a way, it’s our little piece of history, just for ourselves. In our lungs. And in our immune systems. Though our antibodies have definitely worn off by now and we still need to get our vaccinations.
NFTs are all the rage on the internet right now, with basically every single internet artist there is getting on board. Who can blame them? Like any good investment bubble, the prices are skyrocketing with major brands like Pizza Hut, Pringles, Charmin, Taco Bell, and even musician Aphex Twin joining the fun. There’s no downside, except for the massive amount of electrical power NFTs demand driving us further into global warming and people losing their money for what is basically a hyperlink on a blockchain. It’s time for us to get in on the trend, and make ourselves some money… but we’re not satisfied with mere NFTs.
We here at Eggware.XYZ are proud to introduce the next evolution of NFTs: HFTs. These Highly Fungible Tokens are a revolution in the crypto market due to their simple difference: these tokens are infinitely fungible. Allowing for fully democratized distribution, consistency in value, and easy-to-process validity checking, the HFT system can be implemented in almost any common file format and exchanged between users freely with virtually instantaneous transaction time on any common file exchange system.
Want to get on board? Just download our first official HFT below:
Just right click and hit “Save As”, and you’ve got the HFT on your system. Send it to your friends, and the magic of the Highly Fungible Token begins: your friends receive an identical HFT, while you keep your original one. The value of both the original token and the new token is the same – and this process can be repeated indefinitely. By multiplying the number of HFT tokens, you can have potentially unlimited value growth! And the best part is, you don’t even need a friend to make HFT duplications. Just make multiple copies of the HFT on your own hard drive, and watch the value grow. Make five hundred copies to increase your HFT wallet’s value five hundred times. Or a thousand. Or a million. The only limit is your hard drive space.
We hope you’ll share this new HFT technology with your friends, family, and loved ones across the globe.
The Chicken Sandwich Wars? You guys are still giving a shit about that? Oh man, that’s so 2019. Didn’t we leave that behind in 2020 with indoor dining, seeing our friends in person regularly, and Donald Trump’s presidency?
No no. We’re all about the fish sandwich wars now. Popeyes, after its commanding victory in the Chicken Sandwich Wars, has opened up a new front in the war against meat on a bun. Just in time for the Lenten season, because that is when every fast food restaurant introduces fish items, Popeyes has introduced a new Cajun Flounder Sandwich. What else could be expected from the most Catholic fast food chain in America? Their name is Pope Yes for crying out loud!
But, in case you didn’t know, we live in Minnesota where good fish is hard to come by. Paula grew up on the south coast of Massachusetts where the fried fish flowed like wine – now, you can expect to pay fifteen dollars for fish and chips that doesn’t even come with coleslaw. So seeing any new fish offering, anywhere in this god-forsaken frozen wasteland of a state, is exciting. Add in the fact that it’s by Popeyes, the de facto winners of the Chicken Sandwich War, and you’ve got a winner in the making.
But is it really good enough to give up red meat for? Let’s find out.
We’re not afraid to say it: We hate Pizza Hut! We don’t like it. Of the big pizza chains they are the worst. Domino’s is okay, we adore Little Caesars, Papa John’s we’ve never had and don’t care to try, but Pizza Hut is just plain garbage. It’s greasy, it’s overpriced, its pizza sauce is so acidic it could burn through steel, it’s SO greasy, we hate it! It’s bad.
Yes, we know we’re weird for putting Little Caesars above Pizza Hut. But Pizza Hut is so baaad though! So please understand that it took something as radical as introducing Detroit-Style Pizza to their menu to get us to eat there again. We love Detroit deep dish. Little Caesars introduced it to us, and it’s everything that we expected deep dish pizza to be: the fluffy, chewy crust, the X-Tra Cheese, the ladlefuls of sauce… Oh it’s the best kind of pizza there is, and so much better than Chicago’s tomato casserole excuse for a pizza.
What choice did we have? If Pizza Hut was going to be the second big pizza place to get into Detroit pizza, we knew it would be the perfect opportunity for seeing where the sublime meets the mundane. Could Pizza Hut hope to pull this regional variation off?
Are Mountain Dew sommeliers a thing? Not even counting limited time ones, there are so many Mountain Dew flavors out in the world you could feasibly make a hobby out of finding Dew pairings with your favorite foods. Would Code Red fit a nice porterhouse, and White Out some salmon? What goes well with Livewire? I have a vintage Code Black II sitting in my cellar – what’s the best occasion to uncork that?
It wouldn’t be an easy job, either, because they’re coming out with new Dew flavors all the time. The latest of which is Major Melon, a “Dew charged with watermelon flavor with other natural flavors”. Watermelon is a path that Mountain Dew hasn’t gone down before. It’s actually one of our favorite flavors, so we were of course very excited to try this one out. Looks aren’t everything, though. Does Major Melon taste as strong as it look? Let’s find out.
If you have a heart in your body, the Taco Bell Menu Annihilation still stings you to this day. The Mexican Pizza…. The Breakfast Crunchwrap sausage patty… The Beefy Fritos Burrito… It burns. It hurts our hearts to think about, even now. But – what is that, on the horizon? That sound? The sound of angels? Returning something to us? Fiesta Potatoes are BACK!?
Yes, dear readers, Fiesta Potatoes are coming back this March! We can’t believe it! We’re going insane with rapture and frenzy over here! We LOVE Taco Bell potatoes! We don’t have much else to live for, frankly! This is probably the biggest serotonin high we’ve had in about eight months! Oh my God! Potatoes! Real potatoes! From the dirt! In the Ground! They are from the dirt and they are picked by a farmer who sends them to The Factory and The Factory chops them into FIESTAS and they are sent to OUR Taco Bell who puts them in OUR mouths with SAUCE! Yes! FIESTA POTATOES? YES! That’s right. We are having Fiesta Potato Fiesta Times here and we couldn’t be happier. Potato is back and we happy now. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Here’s Taco Bell CEO as a potato:
Thank you. Fiesta Potatoes return March 11th.
Welcome to the first week of 2021! Today’s Twitter trends are “Bean Dad”, “She’s 9”, and “Six Hours”. All of these trends are about the same topic.
Twitter, as we all know, is a fantastic website to have thoughtful and nuanced discussion about complicated and difficult topics. So it should be of no surprise that “Bean Dad” is about a father who withheld food from his daughter for six hours.
You’re probably here because you’re wondering: who is the Bean Dad? Why is the Bean Dad? Buckle in for a humiliating public spectacle of awful parenting.