Mountain Dew Major Melon is the only troop worth supporting

Are Mountain Dew sommeliers a thing? Not even counting limited time ones, there are so many Mountain Dew flavors out in the world you could feasibly make a hobby out of finding Dew pairings with your favorite foods. Would Code Red fit a nice porterhouse, and White Out some salmon? What goes well with Livewire? I have a vintage Code Black II sitting in my cellar – what’s the best occasion to uncork that?

It wouldn’t be an easy job, either, because they’re coming out with new Dew flavors all the time. The latest of which is Major Melon, a “Dew charged with watermelon flavor with other natural flavors”. Watermelon is a path that Mountain Dew hasn’t gone down before. It’s actually one of our favorite flavors, so we were of course very excited to try this one out. Looks aren’t everything, though. Does Major Melon taste as strong as it look? Let’s find out.

The branding is as important to the Mountain Dew experience as the flavor is. Major Melon is military themed, with a sneering watermelon in a helmet on its label and the name written on dog tags. This is the first Mountain Dew we’ve seen that has a “mascot” like that in recent memory. When was the last time they did something like that? That had to be the VooDew, wasn’t it? Then I guess it wasn’t that long ago, but this melon has way more personality than the Voodew Ghoul did. 

The soda is neon pink, like really pink, and smelled strongly of cotton candy through the bottle. It kind of scared us! Normally Mountain Dew doesn’t stink so strongly of artificial flavors and corn syrup. This could probably give you a blood sugar spike at ten paces. And oh, when you take the cap off does it smell stronger. Why is this Mountain Dew so strong smelling? They say that smell and flavor are the two most closely linked senses, so the stink of a Dew is just as important as its flavor.

But what does it taste like? Nine out of ten experts agree: watermelon Jolly Ranchers. It’s inarguable. It tastes exactly, exactly like a watermelon Jolly Rancher, complete with that slight tongue-tingling sourness. It’s bizarre, really! They put watermelon Jolly Ranchers into a juicer or something here. Or they just use the same exact artificial flavoring. Probably the latter. 

Say, remember that Jolly Rancher soda existed? It had a watermelon flavor, but we’ve never had it. People out there who miss Jolly Rancher soda for whatever god-forsaken reason, go pick up a bottle of Major Melon and tell us if it brings back fond memories. Of Jolly Rancher soda. In fact, comment on this article if you’re somebody who misses Jolly Rancher soda. We’d love to study you.

So, is Major Melon good? Sure, if you have a sweet tooth. Will loved it, because he loves everything cloying in the world, but Paula would have a hard time drinking more than a single serving of this. It’s good, yeah, but it takes a deep and passionate love of sugar and artificial sweetener to really enjoy this. Most regular Mountain Dews are tarter than this, with more citrus tang. This one’s all bubbly sweetness. There’s nothing wrong with that, but just so you know, a blood glucose tester at Walgreens may only cost $20 to $30, but you have to buy the strips separately for about the same price.

1 comment

  1. I used to love Jolly Rancher soda! If anything I feel like Major Melon is weaker – the old JR soda was practically syrupy – but it’s a solid drink. I don’t see myself buying another 12 pack, but I’ll pick up a bottle at the bodega.

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