CHATTER: Top 10 Goofy Movies that Shouldn’t Have Been Made

We recently decided to rewatch the 1995 classic A Goofy Movie and its lesser-known direct-to-video sequel, and it gave us an opportunity to think about all the sequels that came along the way when they decided to revive the Goof Troop franchise.

Okay, seriously: there have been so many of these. We don’t even remember when they decided to bring back this decaying whale of a series. Maybe it was something to do with DuckTales? The cartoon reboot was short-lived, and immediately cancelled after the Thanksgiving special that gave children seizure nightmares.

Without further adieu, here’s our list of Goofy movies that just weren’t goofy enough for us.

A Non-Goofy Movie

Probably the most sane entry in this list, A Non-Goofy Movie was a straight retelling of A Goofy Movie from the perspective of Pete and PJ. We really can’t say anything mean about this as we actually quite liked it, but the exposition of Pete and Peg’s divorce, along with Pete’s descent into the world of chugging whiskey and hiring sex workers, just felt unnecessarily harsh.

A Fucking Goofy Movie

This HD rerelease of A Goofy Movie is faithful to the original, except Goofy and his son swear in every scene. Despite this, it was marketed aggressively towards the same age demographic as the original movie; commercials of Max saying “Fuck this shit” were aired on live television, sandwiched frequently in between reruns of preschooler cartoons on the Teen Titans Go Network.

A Moderately Goofy Movie

The negative reception to A Fucking Goofy Movie led to A Moderately Goofy Movie being rushed out the door in time for Christmas. Unlike its predecessor, A Moderately Goofy Movie made the decision to tone down virtually anything that would be considered controversial. All musical numbers have been removed, and Max’s character has been rewritten from a rebellious teenager to a loyal and constantly supportive son who loves his father.

A Terrifyingly Goofy Movie

This Halloween-themed Stranger Things crossover entry in the series was inappropriately scary, and also completely impossible to explain for anyone who wasn’t around for when Disney sued the Duffer Brothers and then bought the legal rights to their bodies. Max and his dad are pitted against the Demogorgon 2 as it hunts them down, picking off all of their friends in scenes depicted with unnecessarily graphical, photorealistic violence.

A Goofy Fucking Movie

In this absolutely disgusting sequel that continues to traumatize us to this day, Goofy █████ ████ █████ ███ █████. His son Max is nowhere to be seen as Goofy █████ ███ ████ ███ █████ and ████ in visceral, horrifying detail. Wow.

Disney’s first cartoon film marketed exclusively to the furry adult crowd, this entry in the series was absolutely tone-deaf, and we wish we could have lived another year without knowing the answer to “Does Goofy have a dog penis or a human penis?”

A Goopy Movie

This HD re-rerelease of A Goofy Movie is faithful to the original, except for the visible strands of black sludge coming off of Goofy himself. They didn’t apply this to any other character – Max’s old man is just covered in this thick gloop, and it’s never explained.

We’re Back! A Goofy Movie

Starring John Goodman as Goofy, this radical prequel to the Goofy series goes into detail about Goofy’s early life. It begins when Goofy, a mindless beast, is visited by an alien visitor who amplifies Goofy’s intelligence with “Brain Grain”, an intelligence-enhancing cereal.

Goofy meets a variety of animal friends, and is introduced to Captain Neweyes, a time traveller dedicated to granting the wishes of children. He plans to take Goofy and his friends to the future – modern day New York – where they will be the star attractions of a natural science museum exhibit. But he warns them to watch out for the dastardly Professor Screweyes, and to not stray from their path to the museum! Goofy and friends get into all kinds of hijinks, and save the day – and the hearts of children!

A Max Movie

Finally, a movie about Max! Now a high-school graduate, Max is ready to move on to college – but Goofy isn’t. After losing his job from worrying about Max, Goofy enrolls to finish his college degree – in the same classes as Max!

Will Max be able to win the competition of his dreams, the College X-Game, with his father hanging over him? Will Goofy be able to get his diploma – and find love along the way? A Max Movie was an interesting direct sequel to A Goofy Movie, but felt weirdly low budget even as a direct-to-VHS release. If A Terrifyingly Goofy Movie could’ve made it to screens, why not this?

The Goofiest Movie

After repeated requests for Disney to tone it down and take the franchise back to what people really loved about it, they caved in and made… this. This is just non-stop hijinx; it’s a solid hour and a half of Goofy being catapulted through the sky. The iconic “Goofy scream” is the only line of dialogue repeated for the entire movie, sometimes layered over itself several times in a cacophonic wall of hell sound.

I mean, there isn’t anything excessively inappropriate or horrible about it but we really just thought it was kind of grating after a while.

A Movie

Fans were befuddled in 2036 (a solid five years after The Goofiest Movie bombed the box office and Disney finally promised to let the franchise die) when the true final entry in the Goofy movie series, A Movie, was released. Released direct-to-VHS when the format had been obsoleted for nearly 40 years, A Movie was released with no fanfare, no announcement, and no word from Disney-Time Warner-Netflix – it simply appeared on store shelves across the nation.

Unlike A Goofy Movie, or even A Non-Goofy Movie, this movie contained no Goofy continuity characters – or Disney characters at all. It’s a 40 minute black-and-white auteure film about a dying old man’s desperate attempt to reunite with his son, whom he cut off from his life after coming out as gay.

Though now considered a cult classic, most fans were confused by its relationship to the Goofy series, its lack of pop music numbers, and the generally depressing plot. The final scene, where the father dies in his son’s arms after suffering a heart attack, has moved dozens to tears.

Sheesh. All of these movies were watchable, at least, but we really thought the first two movies were fine.

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