So, just to get it out of the way, we live in Illinois now!
Yep, we moved out of the Minneapolis area and are now living in Chicagoland. It’s been a long time coming for us, but we couldn’t be happier in our new home. And the best thing about having a new home – at least to us – is all the cool new stuff in the area!
We wanted our first article after the move to be something local, not even just a fast food joint that we didn’t have in Minneapolis, but something altogether local. And it doesn’t get more local than Beef-A-Roo, the chain that has only seven locations only in Rockford, Illinois. We were enticed by Beef-A-Roo as we were looking up local restaurants because it has one of the silliest names we had ever heard. A Beef-A-Roo? What the hell is a Beef-A-Roo? Like a kiss-a-roo? From me to you? We don’t get it.
But our Illinois friends loved this place. They said it was the best. And who are we to ignore our friends about this? So we decided that the very first place we’d eat a meal at in Illinois was out at Beef-A-Roo. It truly would be a Beef-A-Roo from me to you.
We can’t stop saying “a Beef-A-Roo from me to you,” by the way. Every time we pass it, we say it. It’s getting annoying.
So have you been shopping at Aldi yet?? Last week we told you about their awesome chips so of course you ran straight to Aldi and bought everything they have and now you’re a big fan of them. But did you buy the Red Bag Chicken? Oh man, you gotta try the red bag chicken. You seriously haven’t tried the red bag chicken yet?
What is the red bag chicken? First off, it’s chicken. And it comes in a red bag. It’s properly known as “Kirkwood Breaded Chicken Breast Fillets,” but because that’s a mouthful people just call it the red bag chicken. And it’s a sensation! Everybody just has to try the Red Bag Chicken. Why are you even shopping at Aldi if it’s not for following the trends??
Maybe you’re just a little anxious. You maybe got hurt when a bottle of Trader Joe’s Everything Bagel Seasoning didn’t live up to the hype. Maybe you don’t even live near an Aldi and you have to take our word on this one. That’s fine, we understand. That’s what we’re here for. We ate the Red Bag Chicken, and we’re going to tell you how it is. So don’t be afraid.
Aldi is the best grocery store in the world. The Germans really knew what they were doing with this one! Cheap prices, small stores, good products – what’s not to love?
True Aldi fans know what the best part of shopping at Aldi is: the legendary middle aisle. This is where Aldi puts its limited-time specials, which can include but is not limited to new flavors of cereals, real name-brand foods, housewares, clothing, and even pet toys. Aldi shoppers will tell you about the times they walk out of the store with a cat’s scratching post, a new coffee maker, slippers, and none of the milk they went in to buy in the first place.
We found these new flavors of chips in our local Aldi’s middle aisle, and we just couldn’t walk out without them. Hot Chicken Kettle Chips is one thing, but seeing Cuban Sandwich Kettle Chips is too good to ignore. We ended up grabbing both bags, because that’s how it is with Aldi, and we probably ended up forgetting to buy some very important essential thing like paper towels. But that’s fine – now you can share the chips with us. At least, you can read what we thought of them.
We. Love. Chex Quest. It’s one of the best games of all time. It’s certainly the best Doom game of all time. AND it came with a free box of cereal – you can’t beat that for a bargain! In the classic shooter community, Chex Quest has always had a tiny but dedicated core of fans who have clamored for years for more cereal-based shooter content.
Limited Run is a company of game merchandise makers that, by no small coincidence, caters to small fandoms by making fun feely packs with trinkets and shirts and fun things like that. And wow, they made a CHEX QUEST BOX! Real Chex Quest merch for real Chex Quest fans! It was an instant buy, even if it cost 150 dollars. And so, in April of 2020, we placed our order the second we saw it. It was our little quarantine gift to ourselves. It would be worth it.
And so we waited. And waited. Just like how we were waiting for quarantine to end.
Our order did not arrive until January of 2021. Nine months later. We know it was a pre-order, we know there was a Dang Pandemic on, but oh man, that’s a long time to wait. We were almost at the point of giving up completely on this ever arriving when we finally got the notification it had shipped. Now it’s here, and has cemented us as Real Chex Quest fans. So why not go over it, and take a look at everything that came in it?
The Chicken Sandwich Wars? You guys are still giving a shit about that? Oh man, that’s so 2019. Didn’t we leave that behind in 2020 with indoor dining, seeing our friends in person regularly, and Donald Trump’s presidency?
No no. We’re all about the fish sandwich wars now. Popeyes, after its commanding victory in the Chicken Sandwich Wars, has opened up a new front in the war against meat on a bun. Just in time for the Lenten season, because that is when every fast food restaurant introduces fish items, Popeyes has introduced a new Cajun Flounder Sandwich. What else could be expected from the most Catholic fast food chain in America? Their name is Pope Yes for crying out loud!
But, in case you didn’t know, we live in Minnesota where good fish is hard to come by. Paula grew up on the south coast of Massachusetts where the fried fish flowed like wine – now, you can expect to pay fifteen dollars for fish and chips that doesn’t even come with coleslaw. So seeing any new fish offering, anywhere in this god-forsaken frozen wasteland of a state, is exciting. Add in the fact that it’s by Popeyes, the de facto winners of the Chicken Sandwich War, and you’ve got a winner in the making.
But is it really good enough to give up red meat for? Let’s find out.
Are Mountain Dew sommeliers a thing? Not even counting limited time ones, there are so many Mountain Dew flavors out in the world you could feasibly make a hobby out of finding Dew pairings with your favorite foods. Would Code Red fit a nice porterhouse, and White Out some salmon? What goes well with Livewire? I have a vintage Code Black II sitting in my cellar – what’s the best occasion to uncork that?
It wouldn’t be an easy job, either, because they’re coming out with new Dew flavors all the time. The latest of which is Major Melon, a “Dew charged with watermelon flavor with other natural flavors”. Watermelon is a path that Mountain Dew hasn’t gone down before. It’s actually one of our favorite flavors, so we were of course very excited to try this one out. Looks aren’t everything, though. Does Major Melon taste as strong as it look? Let’s find out.
The Grilled Cheese Burrito was introduced at Taco Bell back in like, July, and it wasn’t until now that we’ve decided to review it. It’s not like we hadn’t had it since it came out – we’ve eaten it several times and, spoiler alert, find it really good. We’re just still bitter about the Taco Bell Menugeddon that happened around the same time period. We don’t want to give Taco Bell much attention right now.
But like a siren, the Grilled Cheese Burrito calls to us. We hear its song. The promise of crisp cheese on the outside of the burrito, and a filling almost but not exactly like our old favorite, the Beefy Fritos Burrito. We cannot resist. We must, must have this burrito. And so we did. And we had it again, and again, and again.
We broke our own oath over this thing. We pledged that we would stop eating at Taco Bell, that they had hurt us for the last time. But we knew we couldn’t stay away. It’s too, too hard. Hit the jump and you can find out what makes it so irresistible for yourself.
When does irony stop mattering?
Advertisers understand that irony has been a powerful marketing force for years now. Just look at the state of many products: marketers no longer try to assure us that their products are superior, or quality, or even good. They openly and unabashedly embrace the idea that their goods are bad, strange, and comedic. “Honesty” is valued above anything else – so what if the product is garbage? You know you want it, you slob!
And we – I specifically mean food reviewers, including us here at Eggware.XYZ – fall for it every time. There’s almost nothing we can do to keep ourselves from eating these awful foods, talking about how bad they are, how absolutely awful these things are, what were they thinking? The companies that produce this garbage love it when we do this. There’s no way to actually and accurately communicate something is bad anymore. “No such thing as bad publicity” has been actively weaponized. The more we mock them, the more we insult them, the more we bemoan their terrible practices, the stronger they get.
So it’s with a heavy heart that we have decided to review the Flamin’ Hot Cheetos Mac ‘N Cheese today. We know just by acknowledging this product’s existence, we’re letting Frito-Lay score a win over us. We don’t care anymore. To paraphrase Allen Ginsberg, you can’t win, you can’t break even, you can’t even leave the game. The world has to know how awful this stuff is.