NEWS: Thanksgiving Is Also Cancelled

It’s that time of year again: Thanksgiving! And you know what that means? Thanksgiving has been cancelled this year! There will be no Thanksgiving this year, because going to Thanksgiving is probably the most lethal thing you could possibly do. 

How is this possible? Well, earlier this year you might have remembered a little something called Coronavirus happening. But what’s that, you say? You thought that ended back in June, and you’ve been licking each others’ eyeballs like old times? Well, you stupid little moron, you’re completely wrong and also an idiot. Coronavirus never went away. It has always been there and now is going to get worse than ever, due to it getting cold and everybody will start wanting to sit inside by the fire and cough and sneeze and breathe really hard towards the fire, causing huge numbers of coronaviruses to fly around in the room and kill them. This is unacceptable.

So, in our authority ordained by all living kings, we are banning Thanksgiving. This has been a long time coming – let’s be frank, Thanksgiving is a holiday commemorating genocide in a buckled hat, so there wasn’t much good reason to celebrate it in the first place. But now, Thanksgiving has moved past “merely” being offensive and distatestful, it’s outright lethal. We have to take action. It falls on us to make the decision that others were too afraid to do. There will be no more Thanksgiving. Ever.

What about next year, when the virus crisis has hopefully cleared up? Nope. No more Thanksgiving. We gave you all the chance. You could’ve washed your hands and wore the masks. And even if you did, did the government do jack shit to help? Nope. Two hundred thousand people are dead and we are taking Thanksgiving away from everybody to give you all some time to think. 

We hope you will learn an important lesson from all this. Don’t kill your grandparents. Wash your hands and wear a mask. And seriously, do a little research on American holidays. A lot of them are celebrating genocide in one way or another. Look it up.

Five Dollar Pizza is so much more than five dollars of pizza

Pizza is too expensive! We’ll just say it! It costs too much money to buy a pizza! Having to pay so much damn money for a simple bread, sauce, and cheese is exhausting. In the quarantine environment we’ve been living in for the past seven months minimum, pizza has evolved from an “easy meal” to “life-saving necessity” for us. We know that pizza isn’t cheap – the costs of cheese and toppings adds up quickly, and the margins are razor-thin even in the largest markets. 

Still, there’s a saying about bad sex and bad pizza: it’s still pretty good. Sometimes the cheapest pizzas are the best ones, not just for their quality, but for the experiences they provide. Some of our best pizza memories take place in parked cars at Little Caesars, at gas stations, in college cafeterias, getting the Pizza Hut personal pan at Target. Cheap pizza is something that’s worth hunting down and going out of your way for.

When we found a place called Five Dollar Pizza in Minneapolis, we really thought it was too good to be true. Ever since Little Caesars had shut down completely in our area, we had resigned ourselves to pizza costing over twice as much from now on.  We didn’t really mind, because Little Caesars pizza really tastes like it was made with five dollars worth of ingredients, so we willing shelled out for our local Domino’s “$5.99 for Two” deals and made do. Seeing that there was another place, an independent place, that offered pizza at a Little Caesars price seemed impossible. But, one day we were up in the area, and decided we simply had no choice but to drop in. For five dollars, what could we lose?

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Kraft Dinner is now Kraft Breakfast and there are no more rules

Everybody who has ever lived in their life likes to eat macaroni and cheese for dinner. Kraft Macaroni and Cheese is so popular as a dinner time treat, it’s simply labeled “Kraft Dinner” in Canada. But what if you wanted to eat Kraft Macaroni and Cheese at a different time of day? What if you wanted it for… breakfast?

This is unthinkable. It is called Kraft Macaroni And Cheese Dinner for a reason. Eating it for dinner is what you are supposed to do with it. You do not eat it for breakfast. That is a bad thing to do, and probably has spiritually negative implications. You are putting your mortal soul on the line by wanting to eat macaroni and cheese for breakfast. It is for dinner.

But Kraft is a kind god, and is willing to provide us an indulgence. Yes, soon there will be boxes of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese Breakfast on shelves! Maybe, I don’t know, it looks like it’s part of some kind of contest where you can win a magnet and a mug and a box of the Breakfast and stuff I really don’t care about it. What I care about is that it will be macaroni and cheese breakfast! This is new ground. Nobody has ever eaten macaroni and cheese for breakfast before.

But what about it makes it for breakfast?

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Why do people hate the “poor baby monkeys”?

What drives seemingly ordinary, well-adjusted members of our society to partake in sadistic behavior?

That’s the common question I found myself wondering all over again when I discovered “MonkeyHateGate“. Deep in the bowels of YouTube is a community dedicated to a shared hatred of… baby monkeys.

Who are these people, and why do they hate baby monkeys? Seriously, they’re adorable. Right? Please don’t tell me you hate baby monkeys too. Uh oh. I hope we’re not going to have a problem here.

Yeah, at first glance, this whole thing sounded utterly laughable to me. I immediately concluded it must have been another dumb YouTube comment meme… I’m saying all this so that you don’t let your guard down. This article gets grim fast.

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Why did Burger King bring back its spicy nuggets, here and now?

Burger King brought its spicy nuggets back. You didn’t know they had left? You didn’t even know that Burger King even had spicy nuggets? We can’t blame you. Burger King introduced spicy nuggets back in 2017, shortly after Wendy’s discontinued their nuggets, in a naked cash-grab. 

We’re not really in a position where going outside to grab a handful of chicken nuggets is something you can do in a lark anymore. Going out for Burger King is a thing now, like literally any reason you go outside. You gotta bring your mask, and your hand sanitizer, and carefully plan to make sure you don’t get too close to anybody else… it gets exhausting. You need a good reason if you’re going outside. Like, perhaps, Burger King offering those spicy nuggets at an unbelievably cheap price: eight for a dollar? We’ve had these nuggets before, but it had been years since we last tasted one… Well, grab your mask and hit the jump, what is there to lose?

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Uptown’s Burger Jones meats its maker for good

Horrible news, fans of hamburgers and weirdly charged environments: the Burger Jones in south Minneapolis has closed down permanently. Yes, due to the COVID-19 situation they’ve decided that keeping the second location open makes little economic sense and have chosen to turn in their badge. No more getting burgers forcefully crammed into your mouth on Lake Street, that’s for sure.

Parasole Restaurant Holdings, a major player in the Minneapolis-area restaurant scene and the owner of both Burger Jones restaurants, has been struggling with the repercussions of COVID-19 for a while now. Parasole had been looking to sell itself to an equity firm, but the deal had been walked back in the face of the pandemic. 

We had liked the time we spent at the Burger Jones location in Burnsville, and are saddened to hear the other space is now gone. We were sincerely planning to go there someday, because it had a few features the Burnsville location did not – namely, a delicious sounding orange creamsicle milkshake we were very much looking forward to trying. But now, the coronavirus has taken another good thing away from us. That’s not even to mention all the poor workers who are now out of a job!

It’s weird, and honestly a little horrifying, to see the spread of COVID-19’s destruction well beyond just the immediate disease. It was hard enough at first to understand that these places would be closed, but the fact that plenty of them will never open again is frightful to comprehend. Burger Jones is just one restaurant out of many – we’ve come to understand there are plenty of places that we will never be able to go to, because they will be gone forever. Things are different now. We can only hope to give support to the community where we can.

But don’t despair, fans of enormous, greasy, juicy hamburgers. The Burger Jones in Burnsville is hopefully going to remain open as their flagship location. Who knows when it’ll open its doors back up, but you can get burgers to go and go Full Jones on them on your own time while social distancing. And if you’re really missing out on the atmosphere, why not check out our review of the place, right before all the shit hit the fan? Be warned, it is not for the kids!

Pandemic Express

Sometimes, you just gotta have some Panda Express. So we got some Panda.

In these coronavirus-riddled times, it’s not so easy to go out and get you some Panda Express, though. It takes significantly more foresight, planning, and preparation to go out and pick up some cheap hot food from a chain restaurant than it used to. Not a huge amount, of course, but you can’t just slap on some sweatpants and drive down the block like you could in the Old Days. It takes deliberation. It requires a sense of purpose.

That purpose, primarily, is having to sit down and fill out the order form on their website. This is a double edged sword, because it gives you virtually unlimited time to actually contemplate what you want to eat without any line pressure, but then you have to wrangle with the universally terrible online ordering form. God help you if you want to order from one of those delivery apps – those are even worse! 

But once you’ve got your order set, it’s time to head outside. So slap those sweatpants on, find a clean face mask, and get your keys. Shit, where are your keys? You can’t hit the jump without your keys!

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FOOD: Chipotle – The Chipotle Unexperience

There is an amazing Mexican restaurant in our area that we only rarely go to. The Andale Taquiera is a hidden gem of the suburbs, a Guy Fieri-approved diner that serves some of the most amazing burritos and tacos you can get on this side of the Twin Cities, and certainly the best ones outside of the cities proper. And yet, we choose time and time to go to Chipotle down the street instead. 

Why is this? Why do we keep doing this to ourselves? Everybody knows that Chipotle’s burritos are only just passable, and any independent Mexican restaurant worth their salt would blow them out of the water. We certainly are aware of this, but we kept choosing Chipotle time and time again. What kind of madness is this? What possible reason could someone choose to do this to themselves? Well, if you’re as perplexed at our behavior as we are, just click through and we’ll tell you all about the Chipotle experience.

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NEWS: April Fool’s Day is Cancelled

Happy April Fool’s Day, everybody! It is with a heavy heart that we must report to you that April Fool’s Day has been totally cancelled this year.

Unfortunately, there is literally nothing whatsoever funny left to talk about. In the face of an international pandemic that has warped the fabric of cultural discourse in the way a black hole warps the fabric of reality, having fun on April Fool’s Day has become simply crass. Indeed, many April Fool’s Day jokes would revolve around the novel coronavirus itself or the horrible disease it causes! That is simply unthinkable.

No, the safest course of action is to cancel April Fool’s Day all together. We would like to stress that this is a universal mandate and applies to all people across the world! We were as surprised as you to learn that we had this power, but due to a clerical error back in the late ‘80s the namespace of “eggware.xyz” is the holder of all authority in the day of April Fool’s. We have never before felt it necessary to take action of any kind, but in these troubling times it is better safe than sorry.

If somebody tries to perform an April Fool’s Day prank on you, you can simply and safely tell them “sorry, no good today!” and walk away. It’s on them for not keeping up to date with the latest April Fool’s Day news! If you see a website hosting an April Fool’s Day joke, please report it immediately to us. We will handle it from there.

April Fool’s Day is supposed to be a day of jollity and joy and it breaks our heart to have to cancel it. Sadly, it is clear that the world’s mindset is in no place to be soothed by japes and jags. Tomfoolery of even the lowest order would only cause greater despair, and a classic gag is right out the window. Let us not forget how common pranks such as a humble “kick me” sign or a bucket of water on top of a door frame would be a gross violation of social distancing!

We hope you are all coping well with life under the coronavirus outbreak and wish you the best of luck. If you miss the good humor of April Fool’s Day and wish to experience a good laugh this year, why not tell a joke to yourself in a mirror? It will be good practice for next year.