NEWS: Thanksgiving Is Also Cancelled

It’s that time of year again: Thanksgiving! And you know what that means? Thanksgiving has been cancelled this year! There will be no Thanksgiving this year, because going to Thanksgiving is probably the most lethal thing you could possibly do. 

How is this possible? Well, earlier this year you might have remembered a little something called Coronavirus happening. But what’s that, you say? You thought that ended back in June, and you’ve been licking each others’ eyeballs like old times? Well, you stupid little moron, you’re completely wrong and also an idiot. Coronavirus never went away. It has always been there and now is going to get worse than ever, due to it getting cold and everybody will start wanting to sit inside by the fire and cough and sneeze and breathe really hard towards the fire, causing huge numbers of coronaviruses to fly around in the room and kill them. This is unacceptable.

So, in our authority ordained by all living kings, we are banning Thanksgiving. This has been a long time coming – let’s be frank, Thanksgiving is a holiday commemorating genocide in a buckled hat, so there wasn’t much good reason to celebrate it in the first place. But now, Thanksgiving has moved past “merely” being offensive and distatestful, it’s outright lethal. We have to take action. It falls on us to make the decision that others were too afraid to do. There will be no more Thanksgiving. Ever.

What about next year, when the virus crisis has hopefully cleared up? Nope. No more Thanksgiving. We gave you all the chance. You could’ve washed your hands and wore the masks. And even if you did, did the government do jack shit to help? Nope. Two hundred thousand people are dead and we are taking Thanksgiving away from everybody to give you all some time to think. 

We hope you will learn an important lesson from all this. Don’t kill your grandparents. Wash your hands and wear a mask. And seriously, do a little research on American holidays. A lot of them are celebrating genocide in one way or another. Look it up.

NEWS: April Fool’s Day is Cancelled

Happy April Fool’s Day, everybody! It is with a heavy heart that we must report to you that April Fool’s Day has been totally cancelled this year.

Unfortunately, there is literally nothing whatsoever funny left to talk about. In the face of an international pandemic that has warped the fabric of cultural discourse in the way a black hole warps the fabric of reality, having fun on April Fool’s Day has become simply crass. Indeed, many April Fool’s Day jokes would revolve around the novel coronavirus itself or the horrible disease it causes! That is simply unthinkable.

No, the safest course of action is to cancel April Fool’s Day all together. We would like to stress that this is a universal mandate and applies to all people across the world! We were as surprised as you to learn that we had this power, but due to a clerical error back in the late ‘80s the namespace of “eggware.xyz” is the holder of all authority in the day of April Fool’s. We have never before felt it necessary to take action of any kind, but in these troubling times it is better safe than sorry.

If somebody tries to perform an April Fool’s Day prank on you, you can simply and safely tell them “sorry, no good today!” and walk away. It’s on them for not keeping up to date with the latest April Fool’s Day news! If you see a website hosting an April Fool’s Day joke, please report it immediately to us. We will handle it from there.

April Fool’s Day is supposed to be a day of jollity and joy and it breaks our heart to have to cancel it. Sadly, it is clear that the world’s mindset is in no place to be soothed by japes and jags. Tomfoolery of even the lowest order would only cause greater despair, and a classic gag is right out the window. Let us not forget how common pranks such as a humble “kick me” sign or a bucket of water on top of a door frame would be a gross violation of social distancing!

We hope you are all coping well with life under the coronavirus outbreak and wish you the best of luck. If you miss the good humor of April Fool’s Day and wish to experience a good laugh this year, why not tell a joke to yourself in a mirror? It will be good practice for next year.

NEWS: Eggware.XYZ Coronavirus Statement

We here at Eggware.XYZ value the safety and security of our visitors foremost. With the spread of the novel coronavirus and COVID-19 in recent weeks, we have been doing jack shit behind the scenes because we are just some random dipshits who have no significant way to alter the path this pandemic will take in the upcoming future. I mean, I’m just an egg with legs who’s the mascot for a blog. I’m not at risk of catching COVID-19 because I’m totally fictional. I don’t even have hands. Should I be washing my feet, or something? I’m not even wearing the right kind of mask in the header. And you shouldn’t be wearing those masks unless you’re at risk of spreading the virus, so it’s just a waste. Warden and Paula didn’t go out much in the first place before all this anyway.

Regardless of that, we have decided to take measures for the greater security of visitors to Eggware.XYZ. In the following weeks, you may notice a few changes to the Eggware.XYZ that you are used to:

  • We will be offering touchless delivery on all of our posts. When a post is delivered to your web page, our web servers will place the post on your browser and immediately back away a minimum of six feet to allow you to enjoy your content safely.
  • We will be closing the main page to new visitors. Visitors who wish to enjoy our incredible reviews and humor will have to access each page individually, in order to minimize the amount of people surfing a single page at a time.
  • We have cancelled the giveaway where Warden and Paula cough into a plastic bag and send it directly to you.
  • We have locked King St. Bee in her bank vault and have pumped that bad boy full of bleach in order to keep her safe and clean. We understand King St. Bee is of the highest priority to our visitors, and her safety is paramount. Although she has no respiratory system and common viruses cannot survive on the surface of her body, we feel taking an aggressive measure is the best path of action.   

We apologize for any inconvenience that these new measures may cause, but the safety of our visitors is paramount. The tens and tens of daily visitors our website receives are of the utmost importance to us. Although there is no known way to transmit the novel coronavirus through a web page, we feel that it is better safe than sorry in these troubling times.

Also, wash your fucking hands, please.

GAMING: Top 10 Spyro Reignited Trilogy Levels We Want To See

Hey, Spyro Heads! We’ve seen the trailers for the Spyro™ Reignited Trilogy and we couldn’t be more excited about it! Spyro the Dragon was one of the definitive games for the original PlayStation, and from what we’ve seen so far, the remaster is looking gorgeous! But the only things we’ve seen are a couple of levels from the very first Spyro game – and we want more!

We’ve picked the top ten levels that we’re most excited to see in the Spyro™ Reignited Trilogy, for better or for worse! Click the jump to dive right in and check out some of our most beloved Spyro levels ever!

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CHATTER: Kronk.Com

Twitter got you down? Tired of the same news stories being circulated by your horrible friend group, which apparently forgot how to read sometime within the past decade and now just blindly retweets anything – even posts by nazi furs? Tired of popular, functional social media websites rotting your brain and making you paranoid for your safety?

Come to KRONK.NET, our Twitter replacement startup biz, where the fun lasts until you log off! Check out our website’s amazing features under the jump!

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CHATTER: Top 10 Goofy Movies that Shouldn’t Have Been Made

We recently decided to rewatch the 1995 classic A Goofy Movie and its lesser-known direct-to-video sequel, and it gave us an opportunity to think about all the sequels that came along the way when they decided to revive the Goof Troop franchise.

Okay, seriously: there have been so many of these. We don’t even remember when they decided to bring back this decaying whale of a series. Maybe it was something to do with DuckTales? The cartoon reboot was short-lived, and immediately cancelled after the Thanksgiving special that gave children seizure nightmares.

Without further adieu, here’s our list of Goofy movies that just weren’t goofy enough for us.

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CHATTER: Top 8 Games That Needed a Verbosity Slider

Have you heard about the new Bubsy game? The quick-talking bobcat has finally returned in 2017 for another venture into old-fashioned platform-style gaming, a mere 21 years after the failed 3D title that killed his franchise seemingly permanently. But perhaps the most interesting thing about Bubsy: The Woolies Strike Back is that they finally added a slider labeled “verbosity”, which allows you to control how much that cat chats. For those curious, yes – you can finally shut him up. But who would want to?

Having the choice to adjust the verbosity of a character is a great idea – so why not apply it to other games? We’ve compiled a list of the top 8 games we think could have been made better if they had a verbosity slider!

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CHATTER: Stranger Things Season 4

Hey, Strange Things! As you all know, Season 3 has been out for a while now, and we’ve been hyped about all the twists and turns in its plot. But did you know they already finished recording Season 4? That’s right! And we have connections to an actor (we can’t tell you who, but she plays a major role, and she knows what all the buzz is about) who told us everything she could about the next season!

If you’re an 80s kid, Duffer family member, underpaid lawyer, or you just love Steve Harrington’s beautiful and luxurious hair more than you love him, there’s plenty of news here that will make your head turn upside down and blood fly out of your nose!

Are you as excited as we are? Hit the jump for twists, turns, robots, and raccoons!

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