GAMING: Smashtastrophe

We cordially invite you to the first invitational SMASHTASTROPHE, our custom-built set of Super Smash Bros. Melee events! Using our super-selective secret decision making process, we have built a set of twenty-five (plus one) of the most balanced, most competitive-friendly, and most fair events possible under the SSBM engine!

To celebrate, we’ve made a video of our inaugural stream for your viewing perusal. Behold us struggling to speedrun Melee the only way we know how: with a bunch of arbitrary nonsense holding us back!

Warning! Due to the extreme lag involved in the production of this stream, this video may be a photosensitive hazard to anyone with working eyeballs. Be careful!

This stream includes a special event designed by a generous donor! If you want to contribute to our works, come join our Twitch streams at and donate at! Don’t have the time for streams? You can give at on your own time!

Hit the jump for the full list of events.

All events have been designed for two human players, but can easily be adapted into three or four. Some events are always four players, which may require the usage of CPU players. We kept our CPUs set to Level 5, but you can put them to whatever you want.

For events listed as “Random Roll”, both players must use the random character select to determine who plays who. The player who gets closest to the second character in the matchup must play them.

1. No Items, Fox Only, Final Destination
Characters: Fox
Stage: Final Destination
Items: None
The classic Melee matchup! Who’s the better competitive player?

2. Pokemon Stadium
Characters: Pikachu vs. Pichu (Random Roll)
Stage: Pokemon Stadium
Items: None
Can Pichu overcome their inferiority complex?

3. Worst Orb
Characters: Kirby vs. Jigglypuff (Random Roll)
Stage: Yoshi’s Story
Items: None
The battle to discover the worst pink ball begins!

4. I Am Not Your Father
Characters: Link vs. Ganondorf (Random Roll)
Stage: Temple
Items: Beam Sword (Medium)
What is it? Trek? I don’t remember what it’s called

5. Home Run Derby 2
Characters: Ness Only
Stage: Onett
Items: Home-Run Bat (Medium)
Who lets these kids play with baseball bats anyway?

6. Pokey Means Business
Characters: Ness vs. Mewtwo (Random Roll)
Stage: Battlefield
Items: Home-Run Bat (Medium)
Giegue’s back and he’s pissed!

7. Oh, Fuck
Characters: Any
Stage: Fountain of Dreams
Items: Bob-omb (very high)
Oh fuck

8. A Real Fighting Game
Characters: Any character
Stage: Battlefield
Items: None
Special: Stamina Mode
It’s just like those Street Fighters people keep comparing Smash to!

9. Super Sudden Dodgeball
Characters: Link
Stage: Final Destination
Items: Mr. Saturn (High)
Special: Super Sudden Death – Balls Only (Down+B, Items)
Bombs and Mr. Saturn only! Can you get out of the way?

10. Macro Sins
Characters: Fox vs. Falco (Random Roll)
Stage: Fourside
Items: Super Mushroom (Very High)
Special Melee: Giant Melee
As seen on Togepi1125’s Fur Affinity! Try to narrate the destruction!

11. Micro Virtues
Characters: Pichu
Stage: Rainbow Cruise
Items: Poison Mushroom (Very High)
Special Melee: Tiny Melee
Pichu is only one foot tall, and now it’s about to get smaller!

12. Oh, Fuck 2: Fuck Harder
Characters: Any
Stage: Green Greens
Items: Bob-omb, Motion-Sensor Bomb, Barrel Cannon, Warp Star (Very High)

13. Where Are You?
Characters: Ice Climbers (4x)
Stage: Icicle Mountain
Items: Bunny Hood (Very High)
Special Melee: Lightning Melee
Who needs Smash 4 for eight player Smash?

14. Where Am I?
Characters: Sheik (4x)
Stage: Hyrule Temple
Items: Bunny Hood (Very High)
Special Melee: Invisible Melee
Here I am with my Ninja Clan/Ninja Clan here we stand

15. Here I Am
Characters: Bowser (4x)
Stage: Mushroom Kingdom
Items: Metal Box (Very High)
Special Melee: Slo-Mo Melee
Take some time off and relax in soothing slowness.

16. Summoning Ritual
Characters: Mewtwo
Stage: Poke Floats
Items: Pokeball (Very High)
Summon Chikorita before time runs out! Try not to hit each other!

17. A Real Racing Game
Characters: Captain Falcon (4x)
Stage: Mute City
Items: None
Special Melee: One Button Melee
All F-Zero needs is the joystick and A button!

18. Narcoleptics Anonymous
Characters: Jigglypuff
Stage: Yoshi’s Island
Items: None
Special Melee: Only Rest (Down+B)
Get the help you need with your sleep disorder by KOing your foes.

19. Watch For Rolling Rocks
Characters: Kirby
Stage: Big Blue
Items: None
Special Melee: Stone Only (Down+B)
Stomp the other Kirby, stay on the track! Try to do it in half an A press!

20. Harvest Moon
Characters: Peach
Stage: Princess Peach’s Castle
Items: None
Special Melee: Vegetable Only (Down+B)
Peach vs. Daisy for control of the castle! Who grows the better turnips?

21. Yoshi’s Egg Hell
Characters: Yoshi
Stage: Yoshi’s Island
Items: Party Ball (High)
Special Melee: Only egg-based moves (Neutral+B, Up+B, Side+B) are allowed
Oh egg!

22. Donkey Kong’s Furniture Moving Company
Characters: Donkey Kong
Stage: Kongo Jungle 64
Items: Party Ball (High)
Special: Only throws are allowed
Donkey Kong’s just opened up a new business!

23. Wheel of Fortune
Characters: All Random (With CPUs)
Stage: Random
Items: None
Good luck, asshole!

24. Mr. Game And Die
Characters: Mr. Game & Watch (With Level 9 CPUs)
Stage: Flat Zone
Items: None
Can you survive the Game & Watch onslaught?

25. All Items Fox Only Hyrule Temple
Characters: Fox Only
Stage: Hyrule Temple
Items: All (Very High)
The REAL Melee begins here!

S01. Funny Name
Characters: Random Roll (Dr. Mario and Young Link)
Stage: Mute City
Items: Pokeballs (Very High)
Link’s babysitter is here to teach him a lesson about medical science!
Special thanks to @mathonwys for your generous donation and event design!

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