REVIEWS: Fantastic Pops and Why We Hate Them

For some horrid reason or another, we’ve decided to look at more Funko Pops! You might remember our previous article where we reviewed the toys of Ron Weasley and his nasty little rat, but we just watched FANTASTIC BEASTS AND WHERE TO FIND THEM… nearly two years after its release… And you know what that means? Time for some Fantastic Beasts Funko Pops to review!

Fantastic Beasts was a pretty good movie, but we didn’t watch it for the shoehorned heterosexuality, or the non-acknowledgement of Dumbledore’s sexuality, or even because the noted horrible person Johnny Depp is in it. We watched it for those FANTASTIC BEASTS. So why not review the beasts, and only the beasts? Hit the jump to roll that beautiful beast footage!

Spoiler warning for the movie from this point forward!

Occamy


Let’s start with something easy. The fact that this is a non-humanoid shape is the reason why this Pop is the most tolerable of the lot. Funko Pops are at their best when they are forced to make a new mold, instead of reusing the standard bobble-headed human design. The Occamy is a generic snake-bird-thing, so it looks nothing like the Pops we’re used to hating. The dark beady eyes even kind of work on this!

Kind of. I don’t think any of us want to find this thing staring at us from the foot of the bed.

Niffler


The Niffler verges on actual cuteness, despite its horrible blank eyes. The design is actually pretty faithful to the Niffler’s look in the movie, but the necessity of the Pop-styled head causes it to lose its distinctive platypus styled bill. Despite this obvious flaw, having it be complete with a little pouch of gold coins is too cute for this to fall into genuine Funko Pop nightmarishness.

Pickett


Just, barely, a beast. This is a Creature. A Critter, if we must…

Pickett is Newt’s loyal bowtruckle friend. It’s not a “Pop” in its own right, but an accessory to the regular Newt Scamander figurine. The Newt is average, as far as Pops go, but the Pickett is actually pretty spot on to how he looks in the movie. The eyes are abnormally large, but bowtruckles do indeed have creepy black eyes. It’s a cute little add-in!

Demiguise

We hope you at least tolerated those previous Marvelous Creatures, because it’s finally time to bring out a bastard that will suck all joy from your body!

This tricky monkey is one of the most frightening beasts in the movie. Forget the Obscurus – seeing this thing datamosh its way out of a perfume ad was the most terrifying thing we had seen on film in a long time.

The Pop manages to capture the terrible little monkey aspect of the Demiguise in every detail, which means we hate having to look directly at it. The pose they chose to cast it in didn’t help. It looks like he just did it to us. Someone please, if you have the time, photoshop this little fellow onto the legendary street where Lucky Luciano did it to us all.

Adding insult to injury is the transparent alternate Demiguise, which is cast in completely clear plastic. The Demiguise’s beady gaze on the original Pop is bad enough, but seeing it in what looks like a solid mass of hot glue is extremely upsetting to even look directly at. The worst thing is, it could be anywhere

Cornish Pixie, Mandrake, & Grindylow

Here’s a “FANTASTIC” little bonus for you: more Pops we found on the Google Search.

And boy, I hate them a lot!

Bad bad bad bad. Not fantastic beasts. Not even FROM Fantastic Beasts. God I hate them! Their horrible, wrinkly faces haunt me. The pixie’s awful teeth irritate me. The Grindylow’s many legs frighten me. But nothing, nothing is worse than the Mandrake’s terrible, horrific face. It looks like a baby with a serious skin condition. It looks like having to tell your grandmother you’ve run out of hard candies. It looks like pain, and all that comes with it.

In Conclusion

We probably shouldn’t have allowed Funko to make toys for any reason, but this set of toys has given us more conviction that we should do everything in our power to make sure that they never do it again. Do Pops breed? Can we neuter them? Can somebody please start a Funko Pop Control Unit? Please?

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