Animal Crossing: New Horizons is a gay game. We’re not going to beat around the bush with that! It’s gay. If you play it, you’re gay. We’re not accepting arguments. Gay people love this game. Gay people love having their little animal friends and building an adorable little house and dressing up in silly costumes.
But the game is missing a quintessential part of being gay: getting married. In June, there’s been a “Wedding Season” event where you can help the alpacas Reese and Cyrus celebrate their anniversary with photographs. But Reese and Cyrus are – shock horror – straight. We can’t abide by this. How dare they put heterosexuals in our fun game! During Pride Month of all months! Disgusting.
So we’ve tried to throw together our own way of handling a potential future Wedding Season. We think we’ve come to a few conclusions that everybody will like, and nobody will hate. Let’s get married!
Aside from them being het, our biggest beef with the Wedding Season was that only Reese and Cyrus could get married. Why is that? Isn’t this our island, with our villagers? Shouldn’t we be deciding who is getting married here? The first change we want to make is being able to marry any character we want to any other character. And we don’t want to be limited to just our villagers! If we want to marry Tom Nook to Gulliver, that’s our prerogative. If we want to spawn two copies of Isabelle and marry them to each other, nothing should stop us. We should even be allowed to marry villagers we don’t even have! We’d love to spend hours marrying Raymond copies to each other, with each marriage being real, legally binding, and permanent for our game’s world.
In fact, we don’t even like that we could only marry two people at a time. What if we want to marry three? Four? Our entire island? We are the gods of our games and it is our perfect, inviolate right to marry every character in Animal Crossing together in a massive, singular marriage.
Of course, a gay wedding event can’t be complete without some gay furniture to go with it. The wedding event with Cyrus and Reese provided a bounty of wedding-themed furniture, but almost all of it is in simple pink and white. We’re fans of pink here, but we need some serious rainbows to make this gay enough. Give us the entire wedding set again, but this time in enormous, flashy, animated rainbow colors. And why settle on just the wedding set? Why not give us the ability to customize any furniture in the game with rainbows? Wouldn’t you like to have a rainbow-colored lava lamp, toilet, and arcade machine at your wedding? We sure would!
And we want to be able to get married, too. Us, the players! To whoever we want! We’ll get married to Redd, we’ll get married to Audie, we’ll get married to fucking Tortimer who isn’t even in this game! We can do whatever we want! You can’t stop us, Nintendo! Not any more! There’s only one limitation we want to set on this: you can only get gay married. That’s it. NONE of this het bullshit. We’re done with it. Done.
But, you ask, how will the game know if your marriage is sufficiently gay or not? After all, Animal Crossing: New Horizons is the first Animal Crossing game to not assign you a gender. But don’t worry, the game will know. And, of course, you can get gay married to other players. Who can, in turn, get married to other players themselves. Imagine the tangled web of marriages, stretching across the entire universe of Animal Crossing players!
But the one thing we don’t want to change is just throwing a ton of chairs on the floor of the chapel to get the wedding over with quickly. As long as Reese is happy with it, it’s fine.
This will naturally come with a great deal of repercussions. With such large and winding marriages, we’ll have to implement marriage counseling to help the dozens of villagers with their new dozens of spouses. Being married to so many people, it’s very likely that at least one villager will get wed to someone they don’t really like. In the incredible network of marriages we’re positing, it’s almost inevitable that someone will be unhappy that their spouse is married to someone they aren’t. What can be done in these situations? We say: tough. We made it this way so nobody could be Raymond’s only husband, and we’re sticking with it. If you don’t like it, go get married to him yourself.