Disclaimer: I can’t believe this needs to be said, but please don’t get mad at fast food employees over menu changes. Seriously. The people making and serving your food have no control over this, and there are even plenty of them just as upset as you are.
Taco Bell, why have you seen fit to forsake us? We were so kind to you, weren’t we? During this whole fucked up pandemic, we ate at you loyally, and you sustained us so kindly. Was that not enough for you? What have we done to stir up such resentment in you? Why are you doing this to us?
A post on /r/LivingMas (Reddit’s board for Taco Bell fans) posited a rumor that Taco Bell would be making some… changes to their menu. No, they’re not adding anything new. They’re ripping the menu to shreds. Absolutely decimating it! Taco Bell has decided, in its infinite wisdom, to take apart some of the best things that they have to offer. Why? What are they thinking? We’re going to break down these rumors one piece at a time over the jump.
DerbyTower197207 is a “Verified Employee” of Taco Bell, according to the Taco Bell subreddit, but we don’t have to take just their word for it. The Taco Bell fan blog “Living Mas”, which we assume is the blog the subreddit is based around, has confirmed these rumors directly from Taco Bell itself. Let’s go over them one item at a time:
Right away, we’re hit with a crushing blow. The fiesta potatoes were Taco Bell’s best little secret, an addition that could add flavor, texture, and substance to any items. One of our favorite little snacks was a bean burrito from the dollar menu with the addition of potatoes. Why would they get rid of this? It’s utterly heartbreaking. Haven’t they learned their lesson from the success of Nacho Fries? People love fried potatoes! This is also a huge hit on Taco Bell’s surprisingly substantial vegetarian user base. Subbing the meat for potatoes was a classic vegetarian hack. Are they expected to go back to plain old beans? Shameful, Taco Bell. You’re breaking all of our hearts.
Another broadside. The quesarito was one of Taco Bell’s signature items. The combination of a burrito and quesadilla was something only Taco Bell could have thought of, to cloak their standard meat-and-rice burrito with a layer of cheese and a second tortilla. Yes, okay, we know that it was actually invented as a “secret menu” item at Chipotle, but seriously, how was this not something Taco Bell thought of first? When I think Quesarito, I think Taco Bell.
Not all is lost, though. Evidently you’ll still be able to order these through online ordering, so if you must have a quesarito, just download the app. You’ll probably regret it, but whatever.
Oof. The Loaded Grillers were cheap burritos in a variety of options, at a cheaper price than a usual burrito but a bit fancier than their dollar menu fare. They slotted into a nice mid-range level of Taco Bell’s menu, when you wanted something a bit more interesting but not pay so much. And, of course, the best one was the one that had potatoes in it. These going is just a tragedy. Why even remove them? They were literally just burritos that were grilled.
Triple Layer Nacho
We’ll admit, this is one we can take or leave. It’s just beans, sauce, and cheese on chips. There’s not really anything interesting there, aside from the fact that it’s a dollar. You can probably reverse engineer this one for yourself easily. We’re not too broken up about it.
Beefy Fritos Burrito
BUT WE ARE BROKEN UP ABOUT THIS ONE! OH MY GOD TACO BELL, WHY? The Beefy Fritos Burrito was our favorite dinner menu item, and it’s GONE? Come the hell on! Why would you get rid of this artifact of perfection? The crunch of the Fritos, the tender rice, the cheese and meat… It was perfect in every way! It was a full-fledged experience to eat! Ask for it grilled and you’ll never want to go back to anything else! And all that for only one dollar! What in the world would give Taco Bell the idea to cut this off the menu? Raise the price for all we care, just don’t remove it all together! Please, Taco Bell, we’re begging you. Don’t get rid of the Beefy Fritos Burrito. Please, please, please. Haven’t the Beefy Crunch Burrito fans mourned enough?
Okay, another one that we can take or leave. We don’t know anybody who would go to Taco Bell for a tostada. We’ve never really tried them, and while we’re sure they’re fine just like everything else on Taco Bell’s menu, it seems a little heavy on those awful watery tomatoes that we hate. As a vegetarian dollar option, though, this one will probably see a few tears shed over it. What a shame.
Seven Layer Burrito
Another iconic Taco Bell item, dead! They really seem to have it out for the vegetarians, don’t they? Taco Bell’s take on the classic seven-layer dip was a standby for all vegetarian lovers of faux-Mexican food, and a menu item that has sustained us personally on our sabbaths from meat consumption. Getting rid of this one just seems spiteful more than anything. It doesn’t even have anything weird on it! We can understand cutting the Beefy Fritos Burrito on some level so they don’t have to keep ordering Fritos special, but why this?
More nachos gone. Well, I can’t complain. Nachos at Taco Bell are pretty boring. The Supreme option is the one that comes with meat so it at least feels like a meal, but it’s still not. Nachos at Taco Bell are awful no matter what. Just get them at a gas station if you’re going to go that low.
Grilled Steak Taco
Uhh, okay. No more grilled steak tacos. That’s fine. This is a menu item I didn’t even realize they had. I guess this is the kind of thing they should be cutting, huh? They’re not even getting rid of steak altogether, so this is definitely one you could hack yourself. No tears shed here.
Chips & Guacamole / Chips & Pico de Gallo
Even more chips gone? I mean… they aren’t getting rid of chips all together, so you could just ask for chips and a cup of the respective dip. This is nothing. Who in the world would want Taco Bell’s guac or pico de gallo anyway? The pico, especially, tastes like watery crap. We really, really hate Taco Bell tomatoes. They are the worst tomatoes.
NO! WHAT THE FUCK? OH MY GOD NO! Taco Bell is also planning to replace the Breakfast Crunchwrap’s sausage patty with crumbled sausage! It’ll be just like the hashbrown burrito they offer! What the FUCK is this about? Holy shit, this is the worst one yet. The sausage patty is what MADE the Breakfast Crunchwrap! We loved that delicious sausage, the crisp hashbrown… it was our favorite item on the menu. It was so good, we wrote a whole article about it. And now they’re making it… just the same as all the other breakfast items? This is the worst. Taco Bell, you’re making a huge mistake.
We can only hope that some of these menu changes are temporary in the wake of the coronavirus crisis, but knowing most fast food places, that’s not going to be the case. In the hopes that Taco Bell CEO Mark King reads our blog – and we’ll have to assume he does, daily – we want to say that this is a big mistake. Please, please reconsider. For the sake of the potatoes, at least.