Happy Pride Month, everybody! In the interest of celebrating LGBT pride, we here at EggwareXYZ want to what we feel we do best: making things gay for completely arbitrary reasons. We’d like to begin Pride off right with a return to one of our favorite articles, Does Super Smash Bros. Gay? We had a lot of fun figuring out who was the gayest character in Super Smash Brothers, and felt like it was time for us to apply that wisdom to another game. But what was in the most need of our expertise? Which game was just crying out for the Gay Treatment?
The answer was obvious. For years, people have been pondering over the question: Does Team Fortress 2 Gay? It has baffled the brightest minds of all gamerdom. Wars have been fought and kingdoms burned to the ground over the sexual orientations of these nine gentlemen. It’s time for us to put an end to it. With out superior gay-detecting ability, we’ve sorted all nine members of the Team Fortress 2 by how gay they are.
So click through the jump, and let’s get this show on the road. For the good of humanity.
Unlike Super Smash Bros., all characters in Team Fortress 2 are adult humans, so we’re not going to leave any mercenaries unranked. Let’s get right to the meat of the matter, starting with:
If there is a member of the mercenaries that has never fucked in their life, it’s definitely the Pyro. Already of ambiguous gender under their fireproof suit, it’s unclear which gender the Pyro would even be gay with. The release of Meet the Pyro threw Pyro’s sexuality into even greater confusion. The Pyro was revealed to be a child-minded maniac who believes their flamethrower is actually a rainbow thrower, delighting their friends instead of burning people to death. With this in mind, we’re unsure if Pyro would be interested in sex at all. It’s very likely they’d rather play with matches.
The Sniper fancies himself to be a consummate professional, and his job always comes first. This means it comes before anything – Meet the Sniper has a famous montage of him waiting for several hours, filling up a preposterous amount of urine jars, before finally taking the shot. As far as we can tell, the Sniper doesn’t like being around other people and would find them distracting from his job. If there was a person who could get married to his work, the Sniper would probably be it. Too bad that the work is being a murderer.
This is a sad one for us to have to acknowledge. The Scout is an almost archetypal twink, and having to claim that he is straight breaks our heart. Scout has always been a fan favorite in the Team Fortress 2 fandom for his acerbic attitude, and if you know anything about the Team Fortress 2 fandom, they made him amazingly gay. These were heady times, my friend, heady times. But alas, all good things must come to an end. In the WAR! Update for TF2, Miss Pauling was introduced, the Administrator’s loyal assistant. Sadly, Miss Pauling has become the Scout’s dedicated love interest, with the kind of fiery, intense passion that only a straight man lusting after a woman that’s very not interested in him can have.
And just to get it out there, Pauling’s definitely a lesbian. Give it up, Scout. Jesus.
The Spy is a quintessential man of mystery, and this includes his flair for womanizing. While the opportunity to make jokes about him taking people from behind are obvious in the extreme, Spy’s tastes seem to be pretty specific: Scout’s mom. Yes, Spy is very likely the Scout’s biological father, and has definitely had intimate relations with her at least once. This was used to great effect in Meet the Spy, where the blue Spy completely owns the blue Scout by showing him photos of Spy and Scout’s mother mid coitus.
Yes, we’re inclined to say that Spy is straight, like so many of the “great” spy fiction ladykillers of yesteryear. This is not a compliment to the Spy or to the spy fiction ladykillers whatsoever. Do better next time.
It’s way too trite to talk about Demoman being bisexual because he’s a drunkard. No, we think Demoman is bisexual because he’s clearly in love with Soldier, but we have little other hints as to his sexuality. Our only other acknowledgement of his sexual attraction is him claiming he had sex with the Medic’s wife in a taunt, something we find vanishingly unlikely for reasons we’ll articulate later.
Being Russian, being a man of a larger size, and being soft-spoken, Heavy is a bear in every single sense of the word. He’s even got a weapon replacement that’s bear themed! But like many bears, don’t let this confuse you into thinking he’s dumb. Heavy is also one of the most intelligent members of the cast, holding several literary doctorates and frequently quoting excerpts from Russian classical music. His love of culture is a sure sign of his sexuality – and considering the only women he seems to enjoy the presence of are guns, we consider the case settled.
What else is the Engineer but a classic country bear? He’s a good ol’ country boy and the most intelligent cast member with a staggering eleven PhDs. It’s a well known fact that cowboys are profoundly gay, and the Engineer is a cowboy of intelligence, refinement, and taste. What could be gayer? The Engineer is the kind of gay who would compose countless songs for his exes, always bitter, with just him on his guitar. Now that’s some real southern gayness.
The Soldier is an interesting one. A murderous madman of the plainest sort, he fought in World War 2 for four years after it ended and continues to kill people randomly to this day. What would motivate a person to do this? In our eyes, part of the reason is his profoundly suppressed homosexuality. In the WAR! Update, it is revealed that Soldier is secretly best friends with Demoman, forcing the Administrator to goad them into a rivalry out of little more than jealousy. Since TF2 takes place in the 60s, we’re going to call blatant homophobia on this.
Besides, what reason would two men have to hide such a perfect friendship? Could it be because they… boned??? Even hiding in the game’s files are specific responses for when they “dominate” each other (an actual in-game term, shut up) where they whisper promises of love to each other. Without the Demoman to vent his steam with, Soldier can only express his lust through that all-American pastime: shooting people.
And so, we come to the pinnacle of our list. Medic is the gayest member of the Team Fortress 2 cast. Why is this? Well, first off, he’s the only member of the cast that seems to have his shit together. He’s well-dressed, manicured, and actually seems to possess some degree of common sense compared to his peers. He’s also the only member of the cast to have been wrist-deep inside another man, as Meet the Medic has proven. In fact, he’s been deep inside all of the mercenaries. He’s cultured, refined, and the exemplar of gayness. We wish him and his beautiful boyfriend Heavy the best.
Team Fortress is chock full of gay characters, whether Valve likes it or not. Despite their attempts at making some of the cast straight, a majority of the cast is still obviously LGBT. The fandom knows it, the community at large knows it, why doesn’t Valve know it? Why are they afraid to make TF2 the gay paradise of murder and sociopathy that it clearly already is? Well, we’ve now made our influence known, and Valve will assuredly move quickly in response.