CHATTER: Does Super Smash Bros. Gay?

Time and time again, we are confronted with the crushing question: Which members of the Super Smash Bros. Melee cast are gay? It is an all-encompassing thought. At virtually all times we are pondering this question. Could it be Captain Falcon? Yoshi, perhaps… or even Fox? It could be anybody. Anybody at all…

Which is why we’ve compiled this master list of all Super Smash Bros. Melee characters, sorted by how gay we believe they are. This is our comprehensive and completely accurate list, so if you disagree, tough.

The Unranked

Our first category are those who, for moral reasons, we cannot rank. A surprising number of the Melee cast – seven characters in total – are children. We would rather these characters have the opportunity to figure their sexualities out themselves, so we will respectfully leave the following characters unrated:

  • Pichu
  • Kirby
  • Ness
  • Marth
  • Roy
  • Young Link
  • Ice Climbers

Pichu, being a baby Pokemon, is possibly the youngest member of the cast as a literal infant. Kirby’s age is less determinable, but we observe that his attitude and demeanor does not appear to be mature enough to handle adult sexuality. Ness is only 13 years old, and Young Link only 10. Marth and Roy are on the older scale – both are around 16 – but we still feel that this is too young to be nosing into their personal business.

The only outliers here are the Ice Climbers. The exact relationship and age between the Ice Climbers is totally unknown; it is possible that they are brother and sister, husband and wife, or just good friends. As with Kirby, since we cannot guess the age of the Ice Climbers, they will not be ranked.

The Unsexual

Now, we begin with characters that we think are totally asexual. For either biological or personal reasons, these characters have never had sex and never will.

Mr. Game & Watch

It is made clear that Mr. Game & Watch is no ordinary human. From an older, two-dimensional time, he possesses only the most rudimentary of features that would even define him as a person – let alone a “mister”. In Super Smash Bros. Brawl, Mr. Game & Watch plays a pivotal role as the unwilling source of “Shadow Bugs”, a dark substance that is used to create evil clones of other playable characters. It can be assumed with this knowledge that Mr. Game & Watch reproduces asexually and would have no interest in sex.

Mewtwo

Mewtwo is a unique Pokemon for several reasons. It is a clone of the Legendary Pokemon Mew, which is considered to be the genetic progenitor for almost all other Pokemon. Due to its incredible origins, Mewtwo is one of the few Pokemon to demonstrate a human-level intelligence and ability to communicate. We can consider Mewtwo to be able to think and feel on an adult human’s level, but we don’t think it would be interested in sex. Mewtwo is a notoriously cruel Pokemon who only craves the accumulation of power; it would have no time for sexual relations on any level.

Ganondorf

Like Mewtwo, Ganondorf would not care about sexuality; his desire for ultimate power would overshadow all other urges. Ganondorf is a Gerudo, an otherwise all-female tribe that only produces a male once in a hundred years. Growing up surrounded by women, we think Ganondorf would have never “learned” how to relate to someone sexually.

The Straights

Next, we move onto those who we believe are not homosexual.

Mario

Mario is a video game heterosexual classique. Virtually all of his games are focused around the rescue of his de facto girlfriend, Princess Peach. This is possibly the most heterosexual endeavor of them all: Mindlessly, repetitively, and fruitlessly endeavoring after a woman who does not really show any serious interest in you. We do not want to imply that Mario is “one of the bad ones” for being a heterosexual; he is without a doubt a kind and caring ally with nothing but compassion for LGBT people. Yet he is who he is, and he will not change that.

Peach

Princess Peach is a classic perfect princess, meaning that she is unfortunately boring. Her relationship with Mario is never fully discussed, but she is always quick to reward him with a chaste kiss on the cheek when she is rescued. If Mario and Peach are indeed a couple, they are a remarkably sexless one… which just might be the way they like it.

Donkey Kong

Donkey Kong radiates massive amounts of sexual energy. He is a beast. His girlfriend, Candy Kong, is an archetype of femininity designed to appeal to the straightest of men. Donkey Kong is nothing short of a Chad.

The Bisexual

This short category is for those who we feel are neither heterosexual, nor exactly homosexual.

Bowser

Bowser’s modus operandi is archtypical: kidnap the princess and force her to marry him. This reeks of performative heterosexuality. Bowser virtually never succeeds in kidnapping Princess Peach, let alone the act of marrying her. The one time he does, the fabric of the universe shatters from the sheer “wrongness” of Bowser succeeding in his act. While the attraction to Princess Peach is undeniable, Bowser is clearly forcing himself into the “correct” heterosexual action to disguise a deeper-seated attraction to men as well.

Zelda/Sheik

Zelda, being two characters in one, is a unique opportunity. It’s well established at this point that Sheik is not a character separate from Zelda, but is a persona that Zelda puts on at her leisure. Sheik, as Zelda’s “character”, is a man, but Zelda herself identifies as a woman. To put the matter bluntly, Zelda is a bigender drag king. It is our belief that as Princess Zelda, she only demonstrates attraction to men, but as Sheik, Zelda explores her latent desires in a more comfortable male persona.

The Gays

Finally we arrive at the centerpiece of our argument: Who in Melee is gay?

Fox and Falco

Fox and Falco are, unquestionably, boyfriends. We imagine sleepless nights filled with their horrible Melee voice clips, keeping Slippy and Peppy up. We also imagine sleepless days of them eating Super Mushrooms and rampaging cities with their big furry feet, but that’s considerably more disturbing.

Link

What rhymes with Link? That’s right – twink. This one’s obvious.

Captain Falcon

Captain Falcon, aside from being a world-class F-Zero racer, works as a galactic bounty hunter. He would be spending much of his time on the galactic “road” – giving him ample time to visit galactic truck stops for quick pickups.

Samus

Samus is a 6 foot, 3 inch, 198 pound truck of a woman. She is a lesbian powerhouse and nobody can deny this. The top energy Samus radiates can penetrate steel and crumble concrete. There is no question that she is a gay woman’s dreamboat.

Yoshi

As far as we know, there are very little (possibly no) female Yoshis. Yoshi is frequently paired off with Birdo, who is the only canon transgender character in the Mario series. Now, the last thing we want to imply is that Yoshi is gay because he is interested in Birdo – nothing could be further from the truth. In actuality, Yoshi is a transgender man. His ability to lay eggs demonstrates the possession of some kind of uterus, but Yoshi has consistently been a “he” since his first introduction. Yoshi and Birdo are the perfect transgender MLM/WLW solidarity friendship.

Jigglypuff & Pikachu

The case of Jigglypuff and Pikachu is one that we would like to take a little time to address before we move on. Like Mewtwo, these are both Pokemon; unlike Mewtwo, they are non-legendary.

The case of regular Pokemon intelligence is a difficult one to understand. In the anime, at least, most Pokemon demonstrate a human level of intelligence and simply cannot speak human languages. In the games, many Pokemon are completely unintelligent on the level of simple animals.

We’re going to assume that Jigglypuff and Pikachu are both intelligent enough to understand the concept of consent. And if we are to assume that they have human intelligence, this implies that they have made the smart choice and are gay.

I mean, just look at them.

CHAMPION

Luigi

Finally, we come to the cream of the crop. The biggest gay in Melee. Luigi’s got a lot going on: he’s a got an older brother, which is known to significantly increase the chances of becoming gay later in life. He’s consistently been portrayed as effeminate, with interests like clothing and the arts being mentioned in virtually every game he’s in. Add in a certain famous CD-i mishap that’s cemented his status as “gay Luigi” for over a decade now, and Luigi is without a doubt the most flamboyantly open homosexual in the entire SSBM cast.

And there you have it, that’s all the characters! Have anything to say? Leave a comment below and we’ll tell you personally why you’re wrong!

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