As of today it’s no longer a secret that I’ve never had a Dole Whip.
Dole Whips are a cult classic treat you can get at a few places, notably Disneyland and Walt Disney World. It’s a soft-serve dairy-free ice “cream” treat made with pineapple flavor. It’s either served by itself, or as a “Dole Whip float” with pineapple juice.
I don’t know what it tastes like, because as I’ve just said, I’ve never had it. But I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY WANT TO
So let’s look at my options.
Going to a Disney Park
This one’s the obvious one and also the dumbest one. I don’t have the money to go to a Disney park and also I don’t really want to because I can’t go grocery shopping without collapsing.
Also the idea of being misgendered by Scrooge McDuck is enough to give me a panic attack.
Going Somewhere Else
Apparently you can get a Dole Whip in some other places!
It’s technically not called a Dole Whip; apparently if it’s not in a Disney park it’s officially called a Dole Soft Serve… though you’re allowed to put it on the signs, I guess…
It’s the same product. It’s stupid and I hate it.
I could get a Dole Soft Serve if I went to Denver, Colorado; or Palm Springs, California. I could also take this as an opportunity to visit some cool pals of mine, that way I’m not going to have to the rest of my life’s income on JUST eating fake ice cream.
But also that still costs a lot of money and it sucks.
Make It Myself
On Amazon I could buy a 4.40 pound bag of Dole Soft Serve Mix for $29.99.
It claims one pack makes 8 gallons, but it’s intended to be put into a soft serve machine, which I don’t have.
BUUUT apparently you can dump it in your home ice cream maker. Hey, I have one of those! It doesn’t work very well and it’s a noisy piece of shit, but I have one of those ice bucket things!
I don’t have a good point of comparison for if this is an appropriate price for the amount, though. It IS thirty dollars worth of fake ice cream mix, I don’t make enough ice cream to know how much it costs per ounce, and it’s possible they’re upcharging just for the brand name.
Also, Amazon clearly labels the flavor “Pinepple”, which makes me nervous.
Make It Myself… Two
Or maybe I could try a copycat recipe, which has the potential to be cheaper and maybe even tastier, and then I don’t have a 4 pound bag of Dole Soft Serve Mix in case I discover that I actually hate Dole Soft Serve Mix. But I got some problems with that one.
First off is that there are hundreds of these stupid copycat recipes, and I want DOLE WHIP. I want the Dole Whip Experience from the comfort of my home, without having to worry about if Ariel is a TERF.
Second off is that I haven’t found a good dairy-free recipe yet. I don’t know if anyone’s cracked the kitchen science on it, and I’m apprehensive about buying a bunch of stabilizers that I’ll never use again.
The dairy-free aspect of Dole Whip is a huge appeal for me. I have some issues, namely that ice cream reduces me to a Super Soaker full of freshly-made beef chili.
This brings me to my final option.
You Are Going To Buy Me Dole Whip
I don’t care how. You are going to go to college, major in unknown sciences, invent the teleporter, and buy me a fucking Dole Whip. I’m going to review it on my website and you’ll be glad I did it.
It is going to be a Dole Whip Float.
Then maybe if I like it you’ll buy me the other flavors too.
Your move, reader.