Hey, Strange Things! As you all know, Season 3 has been out for a while now, and we’ve been hyped about all the twists and turns in its plot. But did you know they already finished recording Season 4? That’s right! And we have connections to an actor (we can’t tell you who, but she plays a major role, and she knows what all the buzz is about) who told us everything she could about the next season!
If you’re an 80s kid, Duffer family member, underpaid lawyer, or you just love Steve Harrington’s beautiful and luxurious hair more than you love him, there’s plenty of news here that will make your head turn upside down and blood fly out of your nose!
Are you as excited as we are? Hit the jump for twists, turns, robots, and raccoons!
Will Byers has gotten a huge makeover for season four: he’s been crucified upside down. His friends are there to carry him around on a wagon and recite crucial bible verses whenever the demon living in his lungs gets to be too much. LMS if you want freaks like that!
Meanwhile, Joyce has done everything in her power to make the Byers house hospitable for her boy: she’s completely destroyed it. Spaghetti sauce covers every inch of the floors and walls. “This is for Will,” Joyce explains hoarsely, her voice faint from screaming. And is it just me, or does it sound like Winona Ryder actually lost her voice while filming? Incredible acting!
The series has not given up its love of 80s pop culture: Will Byers’ current hobby is watching episodes of The Raccoons, the viral furry sensation of 1985. (Mike holds the TV upside down for him. Aww! How sweet!) We loved this nod to our own childhoods. Will’s favorite character is Broo, the lovable pup. “Bert scares me so much,” he whispers to Joyce, who solemnly nods and strokes his hair. We’re still not sure how he’s watching Canadian television in Indiana, but it’s clear that the Demogorgon’s magnetism has permanently altered his body.
We all loved the hilarious antics of Dustin and D’art! But D’art bought his own house for his new Demo-wife and Demo-children (named by Dustin, awww) in season three, so Dustin’s schedule has been fairly empty. That’s why in this season, he gets bored and goes on an epic quest to be allowed to say “Fuck”.
This plot development might have been written in by his actor: “I am addicted to the Cursing,” says Gaten Matarazzo. “I cannot stop. Shit. Damn. I find no pleasure in life if I am not constantly saying Curse Words. Ass. I feel physical agony in my chest, like I have been hollowed out, when I do not swear. Shit.”
After the events of season three, Hopper has adopted every child in Hawkins, but can he find time to feed his kids Eggos and still defend them from Demogorgon 2?
Fans who loved Bob’s character in season two and were confused by his complete absence in season three will love the new character, Iron Bob.
Joyce receives a package from Hopper: a flap of Bob’s skin, recovered from the explosion. She puts it next to the open window and Bob reassembles himself in Iceland as Iron Bob. Wow!
“I think the fans will agree that Iron Bob is dramatically superior to the non-iron Bob,” says Sean Astin, returning to his role for season 4. “He’s bigger, smarter, and immune to conventional weapons. A huge portion of my character’s struggle involves fitting into human buildings, and repressing his programmed urge to overthrow humanity. And the real question that comes into play for him is: why? Why wasn’t he built to fit in a regular room?”
Wouldn’t it be nice if polyamory was an option? Unfortunately, it wasn’t invented until the mid-2000s, and we’re sure 80s kids would find it a jarring inclusion. “We’re completely committed to authenticity,” says one of the Duffer Brothers. “We’re not going to have something like polyamory around. It’s just too powerful and it would destroy all of our convoluted heterosexual plotlines.”
Joyce can’t choose between Hopper, Iron Bob, Dr. Owens, & new character “Large William”, which is put to the test when she’s tasked with choosing which one of them to save from Demogorgon 2. In her vulnerable moment of indecision, the monster kills them all.
Iron Bob goes on to become a fan favorite. #JusticeForIronBob, anyone?
Speaking of Demogorgon 2 (the primary antagonist of season three), we can confirm that he’s back and bigger than ever. We thought that it was really crazy that they made a sequel to the villain from the first season, but we have to say that all their work has paid off. Demogorgon 2 is truly bigger, badder, stronger, and more handsome than Demogorgon 1 – and he has MORE mouths, in places you might not even expect!
Our new human villain, “Large William”, is an actual depiction of one of the Duffer Brothers’ high school bullies in adulthood. They are taken to court by William himself, who has a gun.
Meanwhile, The Mind Flayer is revealed to be an actual depiction of a shadow monster that haunted the Duffer Brothers in childhood. They are taken to court by the Mind Flayer himself, who asks everyone to stop calling him the Mind Flayer, but never explains what his actual name is.
“Please, stop asking,” says the “Mind Flayer”. “I got a wife a kid to take care of. I just want to get back to my life. I didn’t do nothing wrong to those boys.”
By the way, 80s kids will be happy to know: Pac Man is real, and he lives in the Upside Down now, having been summoned by the kids inputting the Konami Code in a heart-wrenching sequence. But he doesn’t eat ghosts. He eats PEOPLE.
All those villains not enough for you? We’re here to tell you that the primary new villain of this season is The Orc, a literal orc from Warcraft. We weren’t sure when the Duffer Brothers managed to get the rights to the Warcraft universe, or how they intend to fit it into the Dungeons and Dragons mythos – frankly, we wondered why they didn’t just use an orc from Dungeons and Dragons proper. But all will become clear in our next point of trivia…
“From the first season, Stranger Things was our effort to get sued. It has always been a fantasy of ours to experience a real civil suit in a court of law. We were certain that Stranger Things would be a guaranteed way to get sued by a huge variety of people – Stephen King, John Carpenter, Steven Spielberg – but we were disappointed that no legal action ensued. We tried again in Stranger Things 2 by using a humongous amount of unlicensed, pirated 80s music we personally downloaded off of KaZaa, but we were infuriated to learn that our lawyers had went over our heads and cleared out all potential legal issues with the record labels. For Stranger Things 4, we’ve basically given up and are stealing wholesale from a wide variety of copyrighted material. Please, for all those copyright holders out there, sue us. Make our dreams come true!”
Wow! That is truly, utterly heartwarming. Let’s help the Duffer Brothers get sued. As a matter of fact, I placed five calls to Blizzard Entertainment this morning, letting them know that the villain of this season was literally named Drek’Thar.
Season 4 takes place in ’86 – 2086. It is identical to 1986 in every way.
“What is this, 2085? No, it’s 2086, the year we live in!” – Joyce, talking to Iron Bob about re-adopting Will.
Jane’s hair has continued to grow. We get a truly shocking moment where Hopper tries to trim it for her, and the scissors crack upon contact with her thick, keratinous strands. Wow!
Likewise, Steve’s hair has grown as well. You can even see it expand in each episode, conveying the length of time between filming.
Shockingly, Dustin’s hair remains the same – permanently moulded into that horrific pompadour.
“We believed that including Farrah Fawcett spray would be a prime way to incur a lawsuit. Having Farrah Fawcett, a beloved icon of the 80s, be associated with the Slime Devil that is The Bad Steve seemed like a perfect way to get sued for something or another. We didn’t really care for what reason. Unfortunately, despite our efforts to get the point across that Steve was bad, demand for Farrah Fawcett spray skyrocketed, revitalizing Farrah Fawcett’s dying career.”
Dedicated fans might remember the Season 3 Farrah Fawcett Spray riots, when Farrah Fawcett herself decided to continue the dead brand by releasing a new limited-time line of Sprays, which could be only purchased by going into the storeroom of your local Macy’s and asking for “the special sauce”.
Macy’s promised at least 100 cans per location, but were only able to deliver 10, leading to violent riots – dozens of grown men dressed as Steve and armed with baseball bats were arrested for smashing dozens of dollars of inexpensive Macy’s merchandise. Wow!
“The Farrah Fawcett Spray riots were an amazing opportunity for me,” says Joe Keery. “I would wander into the middle of the crowds, remove my prescription baseball cap, and the rioting would instantly cease. Everyone wanted to touch my ever-growing hair and ask me questions about my constantly enlarging hair. Sadly I had no answers for them. I am simply blessed by Christ with this wondrous gift. It is truly a miracle.”
The Duffer Brothers had this to say: “Joe Keery’s beautiful hair was directly getting in the way of our plans for the show. Literally, his hair would frequently cover the lenses of our cameras, making shooting impossible. Trying to revamp the Bad Steve’s character by having him directly insult the audience about getting excited for Farrah Fawcett spray at all times backfired, feeding into the ‘bad boy’ image audiences craved. We were at the end of our ropes.”
But the show would quickly turn around at the climax of its final season. Spoiler warning: Steve uses his incredibly long hair to entangle Demogorgon 2, and sets it on fire with Farrah Fawcett spray to finally vanquish the monster!
“It was a stroke of genius to have the Awful Steve remove his hair to kill the monster. It was the natural culmination of his character arc, where he was constantly betraying his girlfriend Nancy and boyfriend Jonathan and then constantly getting betrayed by them. Joe Keery actually burned his inhumanly gorgeous hair for that scene. It was a beautiful, beautiful moment to end the season on. And it turned out to be a blessing for us – we’ve already processed thousands of lawsuits for daring to harm the gorgeous follicles of the blessed Joe Keery. Farrah Fawcett herself has even filed suit for us portraying her spray as flammable enough to kill monsters! We couldn’t be happier. Season 4 was everything we wanted to end the series on.”
Matt Duffer has gone on to state “Unambiguously, this is the end of Stranger Things. There will not be a season five, as we have chosen to end the series here.”
However, Ross Duffer had a few choice things to say:
“This is not the ending of Stranger Things. My brother has done everything to sabotage my efforts, but Stranger Things’ fifth season will see creation, even if I have to sell it as a shitty e-book. It will be called Strangest Thing and center around -”
“No,” adds Matt Duffer, “I have told you that there will be no more Stranger Things. We have achieved our goals. I am going to be putting all of my time into handling the many lawsuits that are being levied against us and you cannot waste any more time with this dumb series.”
“You always do this,” Ross chimes in. “You never want to do my things. You never listen to me even when we were kids. I wanted to make more Stranger Things and we never get to do what I want to do.”
Matt Duffer had this to say: “Oh so you want to do this now. In front of the interviewer. You never have anything to say when we’re in private do you. You always have to make it a huge scene. I can’t handle this right now.”
Absolutely incredible. It seems like these two will be providing hit TV for years to come!
Bert the Raccoon will be the main antagonist of Season 5. We saw hints of this when Will broke down crying upon seeing a raccoon in his front yard.
Iron Bob will come back. There’s no way he’s actually dead, right?
And what about Lucas? He’s got to be up to something. They gotta have something in store there.
Whatever the Duffers have in store for Stranger Things in the future, we’re on the edge of our seats to find out! We’ll make sure to keep you all informed on whatever kind of nonsense our extremely unreliable and confusing source tells us is true!