Hiatus

We had a ‘Funny’ post scheduled in advance for today, but it just feels crass right now. In light of recent events, we are taking a break from our regularly-scheduled comedic blogging this weekend, out of respect for our community and to get our thoughts in order.

We’re not a newspaper, so we’re not going to pretend we can do a professional write-up of this situation. To make a long and horrific story short, Derek Chauvin of the Minneapolis Police Department murdered George Floyd, a Black man who had been detained for some alleged bullshit that certainly didn’t justify murder.

Our hearts go out to the family of George Floyd, and to all of those protesting his tragic killing at the hands of the Minneapolis police. We stand with the Minneapolis riots. We would even attend the protests in our area, but as two disabled people with no protective gear, we are honestly a liability. Last night we ran a charity stream for the Minnesota Freedom Fund, which we strongly recommend you donate to: nobody deserves to be imprisoned for doing the right thing, especially not at the height of a disease pandemic.

If you wish to help at home, please consider donating to either the fundraiser for the family of George Floyd, or to the Minnesota Freedom Fund to help bail protestors out of jail. But we also encourage you to look towards your own city, and ask yourself what you can do to contribute there. The murder of George Floyd is a tragedy, but just as tragic is the fact that police across the country freely murder countless innocent Black people every day. Your own home town is not immune to this fact, no matter where you are. 

Eggware.XYZ will hopefully continue next week with no hiccups, but we honestly have no idea where things are going to be by then. We’ve committed to a Monday-Friday schedule to maintain some sort of consistency for our viewers during this pandemic, but… times are hard right now, and things can change overnight.

Rest in peace, Mr. Floyd. We can only hope from the bottom of our hearts that this will incite actual change, and that something like this will never have to happen again… but it’s going to take a lot of work to get there.

Uptown’s Burger Jones meats its maker for good

Horrible news, fans of hamburgers and weirdly charged environments: the Burger Jones in south Minneapolis has closed down permanently. Yes, due to the COVID-19 situation they’ve decided that keeping the second location open makes little economic sense and have chosen to turn in their badge. No more getting burgers forcefully crammed into your mouth on Lake Street, that’s for sure.

Parasole Restaurant Holdings, a major player in the Minneapolis-area restaurant scene and the owner of both Burger Jones restaurants, has been struggling with the repercussions of COVID-19 for a while now. Parasole had been looking to sell itself to an equity firm, but the deal had been walked back in the face of the pandemic. 

We had liked the time we spent at the Burger Jones location in Burnsville, and are saddened to hear the other space is now gone. We were sincerely planning to go there someday, because it had a few features the Burnsville location did not – namely, a delicious sounding orange creamsicle milkshake we were very much looking forward to trying. But now, the coronavirus has taken another good thing away from us. That’s not even to mention all the poor workers who are now out of a job!

It’s weird, and honestly a little horrifying, to see the spread of COVID-19’s destruction well beyond just the immediate disease. It was hard enough at first to understand that these places would be closed, but the fact that plenty of them will never open again is frightful to comprehend. Burger Jones is just one restaurant out of many – we’ve come to understand there are plenty of places that we will never be able to go to, because they will be gone forever. Things are different now. We can only hope to give support to the community where we can.

But don’t despair, fans of enormous, greasy, juicy hamburgers. The Burger Jones in Burnsville is hopefully going to remain open as their flagship location. Who knows when it’ll open its doors back up, but you can get burgers to go and go Full Jones on them on your own time while social distancing. And if you’re really missing out on the atmosphere, why not check out our review of the place, right before all the shit hit the fan? Be warned, it is not for the kids!

Why we want(ed) you to help the Minnesota Zoo

Disclaimer: This article was published on Patreon on May 20th, 5 days before the murder of George Floyd, during a time period where we were blogging about the COVID-19 pandemic specifically. Things have changed a lot in those 5 days, and this article is frankly no longer relevant.

We’re removing the paywall on this article so as to not charge people for a story that is so far removed from the environment that we are currently living in, but we are not publishing it on our social media because we don’t want to distract from the real issues at hand. Instead of the outdated advice in this article, please consider donating to one of the collectives listed on the Minnesota Freedom Fund website, or your local bail fund.

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NEWS: April Fool’s Day is Cancelled

Happy April Fool’s Day, everybody! It is with a heavy heart that we must report to you that April Fool’s Day has been totally cancelled this year.

Unfortunately, there is literally nothing whatsoever funny left to talk about. In the face of an international pandemic that has warped the fabric of cultural discourse in the way a black hole warps the fabric of reality, having fun on April Fool’s Day has become simply crass. Indeed, many April Fool’s Day jokes would revolve around the novel coronavirus itself or the horrible disease it causes! That is simply unthinkable.

No, the safest course of action is to cancel April Fool’s Day all together. We would like to stress that this is a universal mandate and applies to all people across the world! We were as surprised as you to learn that we had this power, but due to a clerical error back in the late ‘80s the namespace of “eggware.xyz” is the holder of all authority in the day of April Fool’s. We have never before felt it necessary to take action of any kind, but in these troubling times it is better safe than sorry.

If somebody tries to perform an April Fool’s Day prank on you, you can simply and safely tell them “sorry, no good today!” and walk away. It’s on them for not keeping up to date with the latest April Fool’s Day news! If you see a website hosting an April Fool’s Day joke, please report it immediately to us. We will handle it from there.

April Fool’s Day is supposed to be a day of jollity and joy and it breaks our heart to have to cancel it. Sadly, it is clear that the world’s mindset is in no place to be soothed by japes and jags. Tomfoolery of even the lowest order would only cause greater despair, and a classic gag is right out the window. Let us not forget how common pranks such as a humble “kick me” sign or a bucket of water on top of a door frame would be a gross violation of social distancing!

We hope you are all coping well with life under the coronavirus outbreak and wish you the best of luck. If you miss the good humor of April Fool’s Day and wish to experience a good laugh this year, why not tell a joke to yourself in a mirror? It will be good practice for next year.

NEWS: Eggware.XYZ Coronavirus Statement

We here at Eggware.XYZ value the safety and security of our visitors foremost. With the spread of the novel coronavirus and COVID-19 in recent weeks, we have been doing jack shit behind the scenes because we are just some random dipshits who have no significant way to alter the path this pandemic will take in the upcoming future. I mean, I’m just an egg with legs who’s the mascot for a blog. I’m not at risk of catching COVID-19 because I’m totally fictional. I don’t even have hands. Should I be washing my feet, or something? I’m not even wearing the right kind of mask in the header. And you shouldn’t be wearing those masks unless you’re at risk of spreading the virus, so it’s just a waste. Warden and Paula didn’t go out much in the first place before all this anyway.

Regardless of that, we have decided to take measures for the greater security of visitors to Eggware.XYZ. In the following weeks, you may notice a few changes to the Eggware.XYZ that you are used to:

  • We will be offering touchless delivery on all of our posts. When a post is delivered to your web page, our web servers will place the post on your browser and immediately back away a minimum of six feet to allow you to enjoy your content safely.
  • We will be closing the main page to new visitors. Visitors who wish to enjoy our incredible reviews and humor will have to access each page individually, in order to minimize the amount of people surfing a single page at a time.
  • We have cancelled the giveaway where Warden and Paula cough into a plastic bag and send it directly to you.
  • We have locked King St. Bee in her bank vault and have pumped that bad boy full of bleach in order to keep her safe and clean. We understand King St. Bee is of the highest priority to our visitors, and her safety is paramount. Although she has no respiratory system and common viruses cannot survive on the surface of her body, we feel taking an aggressive measure is the best path of action.   

We apologize for any inconvenience that these new measures may cause, but the safety of our visitors is paramount. The tens and tens of daily visitors our website receives are of the utmost importance to us. Although there is no known way to transmit the novel coronavirus through a web page, we feel that it is better safe than sorry in these troubling times.

Also, wash your fucking hands, please.

RETRO: Microsoft Retires the Zune, Finally

Zune_logo_and_wordmark.svg
On November 15, 2015, Microsoft made the decision to finally retire all Zune-related services. This announcement comes long after the decision to retire the Zune hardware itself in October 2011, with the urging for users to transition to Windows Phones.

Maybe our readers might have a more pressing question, though: what the heck is the Zune? You might have heard of it, but it’s just as likely that it flew directly under your radar, being that its popularity peaked nearly a decade ago and it existed solely as an obscure Microsoft-branded counterpart in an already niche market. Like Icarus, Microsoft tried to fly on wings of feathers and wax; unlike Icarus, they simply crashed into the sea.

After the jump, we’ll get into a brief history of the Zune and exactly why it failed as it did.

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