If you have a heart in your body, the Taco Bell Menu Annihilation still stings you to this day. The Mexican Pizza…. The Breakfast Crunchwrap sausage patty… The Beefy Fritos Burrito… It burns. It hurts our hearts to think about, even now. But – what is that, on the horizon? That sound? The sound of angels? Returning something to us? Fiesta Potatoes are BACK!?
Yes, dear readers, Fiesta Potatoes are coming back this March! We can’t believe it! We’re going insane with rapture and frenzy over here! We LOVE Taco Bell potatoes! We don’t have much else to live for, frankly! This is probably the biggest serotonin high we’ve had in about eight months! Oh my God! Potatoes! Real potatoes! From the dirt! In the Ground! They are from the dirt and they are picked by a farmer who sends them to The Factory and The Factory chops them into FIESTAS and they are sent to OUR Taco Bell who puts them in OUR mouths with SAUCE! Yes! FIESTA POTATOES? YES! That’s right. We are having Fiesta Potato Fiesta Times here and we couldn’t be happier. Potato is back and we happy now. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Here’s Taco Bell CEO as a potato:
Thank you. Fiesta Potatoes return March 11th.
Welcome to the first week of 2021! Today’s Twitter trends are “Bean Dad”, “She’s 9”, and “Six Hours”. All of these trends are about the same topic.
Twitter, as we all know, is a fantastic website to have thoughtful and nuanced discussion about complicated and difficult topics. So it should be of no surprise that “Bean Dad” is about a father who withheld food from his daughter for six hours.
You’re probably here because you’re wondering: who is the Bean Dad? Why is the Bean Dad? Buckle in for a humiliating public spectacle of awful parenting.(more…)
It’s that time of year again: Thanksgiving! And you know what that means? Thanksgiving has been cancelled this year! There will be no Thanksgiving this year, because going to Thanksgiving is probably the most lethal thing you could possibly do.
How is this possible? Well, earlier this year you might have remembered a little something called Coronavirus happening. But what’s that, you say? You thought that ended back in June, and you’ve been licking each others’ eyeballs like old times? Well, you stupid little moron, you’re completely wrong and also an idiot. Coronavirus never went away. It has always been there and now is going to get worse than ever, due to it getting cold and everybody will start wanting to sit inside by the fire and cough and sneeze and breathe really hard towards the fire, causing huge numbers of coronaviruses to fly around in the room and kill them. This is unacceptable.
So, in our authority ordained by all living kings, we are banning Thanksgiving. This has been a long time coming – let’s be frank, Thanksgiving is a holiday commemorating genocide in a buckled hat, so there wasn’t much good reason to celebrate it in the first place. But now, Thanksgiving has moved past “merely” being offensive and distatestful, it’s outright lethal. We have to take action. It falls on us to make the decision that others were too afraid to do. There will be no more Thanksgiving. Ever.
What about next year, when the virus crisis has hopefully cleared up? Nope. No more Thanksgiving. We gave you all the chance. You could’ve washed your hands and wore the masks. And even if you did, did the government do jack shit to help? Nope. Two hundred thousand people are dead and we are taking Thanksgiving away from everybody to give you all some time to think.
We hope you will learn an important lesson from all this. Don’t kill your grandparents. Wash your hands and wear a mask. And seriously, do a little research on American holidays. A lot of them are celebrating genocide in one way or another. Look it up.
Taco Bell is back at it again spitting in the face of their customers by butchering their menu. After the travesty that was their recent decimation, they’ve once again taken the scalpel to their menu and removed classics. The damage wreaked this time is nowhere near as severe as last time, but what’s been removed is… We don’t even have the words.
It seems like Taco Bell is only doing this to be spiteful by now. We have no other explanation why they would continue to do this after the universally negative response last time. But fast food restaurants do not normally listen to their customers that well, and when they do, it tends to end in disaster.
Let’s just get this over with. I don’t know how much more heartbreak I can handle.(more…)
Everybody who has ever lived in their life likes to eat macaroni and cheese for dinner. Kraft Macaroni and Cheese is so popular as a dinner time treat, it’s simply labeled “Kraft Dinner” in Canada. But what if you wanted to eat Kraft Macaroni and Cheese at a different time of day? What if you wanted it for… breakfast?
This is unthinkable. It is called Kraft Macaroni And Cheese Dinner for a reason. Eating it for dinner is what you are supposed to do with it. You do not eat it for breakfast. That is a bad thing to do, and probably has spiritually negative implications. You are putting your mortal soul on the line by wanting to eat macaroni and cheese for breakfast. It is for dinner.
But Kraft is a kind god, and is willing to provide us an indulgence. Yes, soon there will be boxes of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese Breakfast on shelves! Maybe, I don’t know, it looks like it’s part of some kind of contest where you can win a magnet and a mug and a box of the Breakfast and stuff I really don’t care about it. What I care about is that it will be macaroni and cheese breakfast! This is new ground. Nobody has ever eaten macaroni and cheese for breakfast before.
But what about it makes it for breakfast?(more…)
What drives seemingly ordinary, well-adjusted members of our society to partake in sadistic behavior?
That’s the common question I found myself wondering all over again when I discovered “MonkeyHateGate“. Deep in the bowels of YouTube is a community dedicated to a shared hatred of… baby monkeys.
Who are these people, and why do they hate baby monkeys? Seriously, they’re adorable. Right? Please don’t tell me you hate baby monkeys too. Uh oh. I hope we’re not going to have a problem here.
Yeah, at first glance, this whole thing sounded utterly laughable to me. I immediately concluded it must have been another dumb YouTube comment meme… I’m saying all this so that you don’t let your guard down. This article gets grim fast.(more…)
Disclaimer: I can’t believe this needs to be said, but please don’t get mad at fast food employees over menu changes. Seriously. The people making and serving your food have no control over this, and there are even plenty of them just as upset as you are.
Taco Bell, why have you seen fit to forsake us? We were so kind to you, weren’t we? During this whole fucked up pandemic, we ate at you loyally, and you sustained us so kindly. Was that not enough for you? What have we done to stir up such resentment in you? Why are you doing this to us?
A post on /r/LivingMas (Reddit’s board for Taco Bell fans) posited a rumor that Taco Bell would be making some… changes to their menu. No, they’re not adding anything new. They’re ripping the menu to shreds. Absolutely decimating it! Taco Bell has decided, in its infinite wisdom, to take apart some of the best things that they have to offer. Why? What are they thinking? We’re going to break down these rumors one piece at a time over the jump.(more…)
We had a ‘Funny’ post scheduled in advance for today, but it just feels crass right now. In light of recent events, we are taking a break from our regularly-scheduled comedic blogging this weekend, out of respect for our community and to get our thoughts in order.
We’re not a newspaper, so we’re not going to pretend we can do a professional write-up of this situation. To make a long and horrific story short, Derek Chauvin of the Minneapolis Police Department murdered George Floyd, a Black man who had been detained for some alleged bullshit that certainly didn’t justify murder.
Our hearts go out to the family of George Floyd, and to all of those protesting his tragic killing at the hands of the Minneapolis police. We stand with the Minneapolis riots. We would even attend the protests in our area, but as two disabled people with no protective gear, we are honestly a liability. Last night we ran a charity stream for the Minnesota Freedom Fund, which we strongly recommend you donate to: nobody deserves to be imprisoned for doing the right thing, especially not at the height of a disease pandemic.
If you wish to help at home, please consider donating to either the fundraiser for the family of George Floyd, or to the Minnesota Freedom Fund to help bail protestors out of jail. But we also encourage you to look towards your own city, and ask yourself what you can do to contribute there. The murder of George Floyd is a tragedy, but just as tragic is the fact that police across the country freely murder countless innocent Black people every day. Your own home town is not immune to this fact, no matter where you are.
Eggware.XYZ will hopefully continue next week with no hiccups, but we honestly have no idea where things are going to be by then. We’ve committed to a Monday-Friday schedule to maintain some sort of consistency for our viewers during this pandemic, but… times are hard right now, and things can change overnight.
Rest in peace, Mr. Floyd. We can only hope from the bottom of our hearts that this will incite actual change, and that something like this will never have to happen again… but it’s going to take a lot of work to get there.