Furries harassed a married cereal mascot in #TonyTigerGate

Frosted Flakes is one of the most popular cereals in the world, and Tony the Tiger has been its solid mascot since the 50s. It’s a bit perplexing why they chose a tall, muscular tiger-man as the mascot for a very simple flakes-style cereal, but you can’t argue with success. Whether or not he’s the person to best represent sugary corn-bits, he is popular, and he’s even popular with a very specific subset of people: furries.

Really, who can blame them? Tony represents a beloved principle of furryness: an attractive anthropomorphic animal-person who is both friendly and approachable. The worship of food mascots has been a long-running tradition of furry fandom, but Tony has held a special place in this world for as long as furries have existed.

If you’ve ever interacted with the furry fandom’s broader-reaching internet presence or especially its more cherished traditions, you can probably already see where this is going.

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Which of classic shooter heroes does the gay?

We hope you’re all still having a great Pride Month! For us, however, it’s been a challenge. With the smash success of our Does Team Fortress 2 Is Gay article, we’ve been hounded with countless, trillions of requests to discern the sexuality of more video game characters. And who are we to say no? 

In the interest of bettering society, we’ve decided to answer Which of Classic Shooter Heroes Does The Gay? These heroes of vintage first person shooter games have had people stumped for decades now. Are they straight? Gay? Are they even human? We have the answers. We’ve picked seven of the best first person shooter heroes of the 90s and discerned their exact sexualities with no margin of error. We’ve got this down to a science.

Hit the jump, and let’s find out just whom doing the gay is…

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Does Team Fortress 2 Is Gay?

Happy Pride Month, everybody! In the interest of celebrating LGBT pride, we here at EggwareXYZ want to what we feel we do best: making things gay for completely arbitrary reasons. We’d like to begin Pride off right with a return to one of our favorite articles, Does Super Smash Bros. Gay? We had a lot of fun figuring out who was the gayest character in Super Smash Brothers, and felt like it was time for us to apply that wisdom to another game. But what was in the most need of our expertise? Which game was just crying out for the Gay Treatment?

The answer was obvious. For years, people have been pondering over the question: Does Team Fortress 2 Gay? It has baffled the brightest minds of all gamerdom. Wars have been fought and kingdoms burned to the ground over the sexual orientations of these nine gentlemen. It’s time for us to put an end to it. With out superior gay-detecting ability, we’ve sorted all nine members of the Team Fortress 2 by how gay they are. 

So click through the jump, and let’s get this show on the road. For the good of humanity.

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Why we want(ed) you to help the Minnesota Zoo

Disclaimer: This article was published on Patreon on May 20th, 5 days before the murder of George Floyd, during a time period where we were blogging about the COVID-19 pandemic specifically. Things have changed a lot in those 5 days, and this article is frankly no longer relevant.

We’re removing the paywall on this article so as to not charge people for a story that is so far removed from the environment that we are currently living in, but we are not publishing it on our social media because we don’t want to distract from the real issues at hand. Instead of the outdated advice in this article, please consider donating to one of the collectives listed on the Minnesota Freedom Fund website, or your local bail fund.

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Pandemic Express

Sometimes, you just gotta have some Panda Express. So we got some Panda.

In these coronavirus-riddled times, it’s not so easy to go out and get you some Panda Express, though. It takes significantly more foresight, planning, and preparation to go out and pick up some cheap hot food from a chain restaurant than it used to. Not a huge amount, of course, but you can’t just slap on some sweatpants and drive down the block like you could in the Old Days. It takes deliberation. It requires a sense of purpose.

That purpose, primarily, is having to sit down and fill out the order form on their website. This is a double edged sword, because it gives you virtually unlimited time to actually contemplate what you want to eat without any line pressure, but then you have to wrangle with the universally terrible online ordering form. God help you if you want to order from one of those delivery apps – those are even worse! 

But once you’ve got your order set, it’s time to head outside. So slap those sweatpants on, find a clean face mask, and get your keys. Shit, where are your keys? You can’t hit the jump without your keys!

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CHATTER: Does Super Smash Bros. Gay?

Time and time again, we are confronted with the crushing question: Which members of the Super Smash Bros. Melee cast are gay? It is an all-encompassing thought. At virtually all times we are pondering this question. Could it be Captain Falcon? Yoshi, perhaps… or even Fox? It could be anybody. Anybody at all…

Which is why we’ve compiled this master list of all Super Smash Bros. Melee characters, sorted by how gay we believe they are. This is our comprehensive and completely accurate list, so if you disagree, tough.

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I want a Dole Whip

As of today it’s no longer a secret that I’ve never had a Dole Whip.

Dole Whips are a cult classic treat you can get at a few places, notably Disneyland and Walt Disney World. It’s a soft-serve dairy-free ice “cream” treat made with pineapple flavor. It’s either served by itself, or as a “Dole Whip float” with pineapple juice.

I don’t know what it tastes like, because as I’ve just said, I’ve never had it. But I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY WANT TO

So let’s look at my options.

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CHATTER: Kronk.Com

Twitter got you down? Tired of the same news stories being circulated by your horrible friend group, which apparently forgot how to read sometime within the past decade and now just blindly retweets anything – even posts by nazi furs? Tired of popular, functional social media websites rotting your brain and making you paranoid for your safety?

Come to KRONK.NET, our Twitter replacement startup biz, where the fun lasts until you log off! Check out our website’s amazing features under the jump!

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CHATTER: Top 10 Goofy Movies that Shouldn’t Have Been Made

We recently decided to rewatch the 1995 classic A Goofy Movie and its lesser-known direct-to-video sequel, and it gave us an opportunity to think about all the sequels that came along the way when they decided to revive the Goof Troop franchise.

Okay, seriously: there have been so many of these. We don’t even remember when they decided to bring back this decaying whale of a series. Maybe it was something to do with DuckTales? The cartoon reboot was short-lived, and immediately cancelled after the Thanksgiving special that gave children seizure nightmares.

Without further adieu, here’s our list of Goofy movies that just weren’t goofy enough for us.

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