The best part of The Elder Scrolls is reading books – ranked

The Elder Scrolls is probably one of the deepest and most involved video games in history when it comes to terms of scope. With five games in the main series, a bevvy of side-games, and a full-fledged MMO, it’s hard to imagine a similar series coming out that would have so much content. But the best part of The Elder Scrolls isn’t just the games themselves; it’s the incredibly rich lore the game’s setting provides. The fandom of The Elder Scrolls have debated for decades over the lore of this series, coming up with hundreds of outlandish theories, some of them even supported by the devs themselves in the long run.

One of the best features of The Elder Scrolls, in our opinion, is the massive quantity of in-game books that are available to read. Yes, you can read full-fledged books in The Elder Scrolls, just for fun! Some of them have tangible in-game benefits (primarily leveling up your skills, as the story of the book might include a scene relevant to combat or adventuring), but a huge number of them simply exist to be read. These books provide the bulk of the game’s inexhaustible lore, going over minor details of the cosmology, small scenes from history, or in-game works of fiction designed to entertain the imaginary inhabitants of Tamriel.

In our time as fans of The Elder Scrolls, we’ve collected our personal top five books inside The Elder Scrolls. We’re ranking these by personal preference alone, by how entertaining and readable each one is, and how engrossing we found its story. There’s much richer lore to be found in many other books, but if you want a good read, we think these top five are a great way to get into the universe of Elder Scrolls fiction.

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Why do people hate the “poor baby monkeys”?

What drives seemingly ordinary, well-adjusted members of our society to partake in sadistic behavior?

That’s the common question I found myself wondering all over again when I discovered “MonkeyHateGate“. Deep in the bowels of YouTube is a community dedicated to a shared hatred of… baby monkeys.

Who are these people, and why do they hate baby monkeys? Seriously, they’re adorable. Right? Please don’t tell me you hate baby monkeys too. Uh oh. I hope we’re not going to have a problem here.

Yeah, at first glance, this whole thing sounded utterly laughable to me. I immediately concluded it must have been another dumb YouTube comment meme… I’m saying all this so that you don’t let your guard down. This article gets grim fast.

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We rank the top 2 female breakfast cereal mascots that have ever existed

Here’s a challenge for you: name a single female breakfast cereal mascot.

Give up? That doesn’t surprise us. When it comes to breakfast, virtually every mascot is, for some reason, a man. Look up Post, look up Kellogs, all dudes. Cap’n Crunch, Tony the Tiger, the Cocoa Puffs bird whose name escapes me right now… Yep, all men. Not a lady to be seen. Even Lucky Charms has a guy for a mascot. Even Count Chocula. 

What about Fruity Pebbles, you say? Nope. Fred and Barney are clearly the mascots for that one. Not even Pebbles herself gets to be on the box. Even the very first cereal mascot in all recorded cereal history, Elijah from the actual bible, was a man.

Why is this? What is it about cereal that makes mascot designers simply go blind to half of the population? Is it because most of them were designed way back in the 40s, when men liked to pretend women weren’t real? The mysteries abound in the world of breakfast. Where have all the girls gone off to?

Well, dearest reader, we’re here to reveal the truth. There are female breakfast cereal mascots, and we’re going to rank… both of them. From worst to best. Yes, there are only two that we know of, and one of them is pretty dubious if it’s supposed to be a woman or not. But god damn it, we’re not working with a lot here, okay? So bear with us, as we rank the two best female cereal mascots there are.

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We rank every Rainbow Road from every Mario Kart game

When a person thinks of Mario Kart, it’s very likely the first course they think of is Rainbow Road. Every Mario Kart game has come with Rainbow Road, the most difficult track at the very end of the final cup of the game. The Rainbow Road in each game is always a memorable track, but not all Rainbow Roads are created equal.

We’re taking it upon ourselves to rank all eight Rainbow Roads from worst to best, as according to our whims. The following rank is our opinion, and we don’t expect you to agree with it, but just know that we’re always right about everything. So hit the jump, and ride the rainbow road with us…

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Top 7 Fallout: New Vegas gay moments

Fallout: New Vegas is the greatest video game ever made. We’re not willing to entertain arguments on that. Yes, the original two Fallout games were very good, very good indeed, but New Vegas has accessibility on its side that we feel gives it an edge over the originals. It is the true Fallout 3, and we don’t even want to dirty our blog talking about Fallout 4 or 76. FNV is the game of kings and philosophers. People are still arguing to this day what the best ending path is. Can you say that about Fallout 3?

But there’s one thing that makes Fallout: New Vegas stand head and shoulders above the rest of its own series. It’s the first game that allowed you to actually be gay! Fallout 2 was the first game ever produced that allowed you to be gay married, but New Vegas ups the bar by letting you be gay right out the gate. From the moment you first level up, you’ll be offered one of two perks depending on gender: Cherchez la Femme or Confirmed Bachelor.

The main benefit of making your character gay is that they do more damage to enemies of the same sex, for some reason, but the real reward is the sometimes-hilarious dialogue trees that being gay offers. The Fallout series has always been a game with comedy at its heart, and New Vegas isn’t afraid to make being gay hilarious. We’ve composed a list of our top favorite moments that being gay in Fallout: New Vegas provides.

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Furries harassed a married cereal mascot in #TonyTigerGate

Frosted Flakes is one of the most popular cereals in the world, and Tony the Tiger has been its solid mascot since the 50s. It’s a bit perplexing why they chose a tall, muscular tiger-man as the mascot for a very simple flakes-style cereal, but you can’t argue with success. Whether or not he’s the person to best represent sugary corn-bits, he is popular, and he’s even popular with a very specific subset of people: furries.

Really, who can blame them? Tony represents a beloved principle of furryness: an attractive anthropomorphic animal-person who is both friendly and approachable. The worship of food mascots has been a long-running tradition of furry fandom, but Tony has held a special place in this world for as long as furries have existed.

If you’ve ever interacted with the furry fandom’s broader-reaching internet presence or especially its more cherished traditions, you can probably already see where this is going.

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Which of classic shooter heroes does the gay?

We hope you’re all still having a great Pride Month! For us, however, it’s been a challenge. With the smash success of our Does Team Fortress 2 Is Gay article, we’ve been hounded with countless, trillions of requests to discern the sexuality of more video game characters. And who are we to say no? 

In the interest of bettering society, we’ve decided to answer Which of Classic Shooter Heroes Does The Gay? These heroes of vintage first person shooter games have had people stumped for decades now. Are they straight? Gay? Are they even human? We have the answers. We’ve picked seven of the best first person shooter heroes of the 90s and discerned their exact sexualities with no margin of error. We’ve got this down to a science.

Hit the jump, and let’s find out just whom doing the gay is…

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Does Team Fortress 2 Is Gay?

Happy Pride Month, everybody! In the interest of celebrating LGBT pride, we here at EggwareXYZ want to what we feel we do best: making things gay for completely arbitrary reasons. We’d like to begin Pride off right with a return to one of our favorite articles, Does Super Smash Bros. Gay? We had a lot of fun figuring out who was the gayest character in Super Smash Brothers, and felt like it was time for us to apply that wisdom to another game. But what was in the most need of our expertise? Which game was just crying out for the Gay Treatment?

The answer was obvious. For years, people have been pondering over the question: Does Team Fortress 2 Gay? It has baffled the brightest minds of all gamerdom. Wars have been fought and kingdoms burned to the ground over the sexual orientations of these nine gentlemen. It’s time for us to put an end to it. With out superior gay-detecting ability, we’ve sorted all nine members of the Team Fortress 2 by how gay they are. 

So click through the jump, and let’s get this show on the road. For the good of humanity.

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Why we want(ed) you to help the Minnesota Zoo

Disclaimer: This article was published on Patreon on May 20th, 5 days before the murder of George Floyd, during a time period where we were blogging about the COVID-19 pandemic specifically. Things have changed a lot in those 5 days, and this article is frankly no longer relevant.

We’re removing the paywall on this article so as to not charge people for a story that is so far removed from the environment that we are currently living in, but we are not publishing it on our social media because we don’t want to distract from the real issues at hand. Instead of the outdated advice in this article, please consider donating to one of the collectives listed on the Minnesota Freedom Fund website, or your local bail fund.

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